I spent about 15 minutes trying to find plain unsweetened “non-Greek” yogurt at the grocery store yesterday. (It’s for a recipe that states very specifically to not use Greek yogurt.) There was Greek, Icelandic, Australian and French. There was almond milk yogurt. There was soy yogurt. There was dog yogurt.* There…

Exactly. The cast will be comprised entirely of Morlocks.

The horse was on mushrooms. The girl was drunk.

This needs to be memorized and repeated on a loop to anyone and everyone who starts with that “good guy with a gun” shit.

When we were in high school a friend of mine got a ticket for riding her horse while drunk. In a cemetery.

There’s zero chance that Trump will do anything positive. If he doesn’t back out for some shitty trumped up reason and actually does talk to Kim it will be a disaster of epic proportions. Kim won’t shake his hand right. Or the table will not be round enough. Or Kim will refuse to give Donny two scoops of ice cream.…

He agreed with Vlad to talks with NK just to piss off Rex. That’s the direction the producers felt the show should be going. Exciting, no? Um, stay tuned for a message from our sponsor (NRA)

Attention talent (men and non-male gendered humans) - take great care to appear apolitical by wearing specific colors that are not indicative political affiliation.

Yes Ale House! Both my father and grandfather are depicted in the original mural on the Ale House wall (though not in the portion shown in this photo)

MoviePass will learn that I can’t stand paying for the privilege of sitting in the dark with a bunch of rude strangers who reek of perfume and who won’t stop texting so I watch movies in the comfort of my living room.

Well, Gwendolyn had that red stain on her blouse yesterday that looked a lot like spaghetti sauce even though I saw her eating a tuna sandwich. So...

I am grateful to not be working in an environment where I have to navigate increasingly complex social protocols. I barely functioned when office work meant dealing with a simple pit of lunchroom vipers.

There is already an instant mug cake “recipe” called 3-2-1 cake: combine one box of angel food cake mix and another box of any other flavor mix you want in a gallon size ziplock type bag. Shake the contents to mix it up. Add 3 tablespoons of the powder with 2 tablespoons of water and microwave for 1 minute. You can…

Whether or not he understands, the cameras and recordings make no difference. He will lie with impunity until his dying day; and leave a legacy of that impunity for generations.

Anything that happens on Jimmy Fallon’s show is contaminated by the specter of his White Mediocrity. Get Out Roots!

Not even attempting to give the impression he is doing something. He is giving the impression that he is ordering other people to do something. Fucker has a black belt in lazy.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT

OK, but DO NOT drag Don Draper’s name anywhere near this mess.

“Audrey”? Does Drake have dyslexia?

This is the only thing that could make eating raw oysters more repulsive.