"If these young, hot little girls on campus have a firearm, I wonder how many men will want to assault them."

Come on now. Everyone knows that cut toast releases powerful and potentially deadly gluten fumes.

hypotenuse allergy

In his case, he looks at all the gluten as he's eating it.

As someone who comes from a culture without restaurants, whole wheat, or hazelnuts, I am personally deeply offended at the way my brethren are being mocked just for not understanding the intricacies of American dining practices.

"You stupid bitch! It's Pinot Giorgio!"

Watching his gluten!?!?! How the holy hell does that even work?

Nothing enrages middle aged white people faster than removing their favorite entrée / tap beer from the menu.

The Whole Wheat Toast is the best, because it was so obvious once I read it fully, but at that same time I had no idea of the punchline until the end.

She's clearly allergic to 45-degree angles.

Allergic to red > Allergic to crunchy

'I ASKED FOR WHOLE WHEAT FOUR TIMES' made me cackle so loudly it scared the cats. She must be married to Mr. Monogrammed Thermoses.

"I ORDERED WHOLE WHEAT TOAST FOUR TIMES AND YOU GUYS KEEP CUTTING IT IN HALF!"

Oh dear god. Those scallops and asparagus! Pinkham, stop with the mouth-watering seafood pics. It's torture....

Apparently, all of the servers in these stories have met my mother.

Is she allergic to half wheat toast?

Allergic to crunchy > Allergic to nuts but not ground nuts

The chocolate store woman is clearly kin to "I'm allergic to crunchy".

The "lady" in the last story sounds like a real half-wheat...