I have a feeling that Stephen Miller and Trump are now going to start calling it the “Chinese and Black people virus”. Anything to deflect the blame from their piss-poor handling of the situation

He’s going to insist that the old people in rural “Real” America be counted in the census and mail in their absentee ballots before they die though

I think a lot of the celebrities are just worried that at some point as things become more chaotic, people are going to realize that various performers are not really necessary to the functioning of society yet somehow have tremendous amounts of wealth. Perhaps a wiser approach would be to stop reminding poor jobless…

I think they should just be reported to their employers, who can then decide whether they want people who are likely to get their stupid ass and their coworkers infected. 

It’s OK, once Dr. Fauci is fired, I’m sure there’s some Young Republican college senior who took a biology class pass/fail once all lined up to replace him

He’s ophthalmologist. Great for when you’ve been poked in the eye or want to flex your spelling skills, absolutely useless for anything else (sorry ophthalmologist friends...)

Unless the ship arrives with a bunch of doctors, nurses, ventilators, and PPE, a better use for it would be to lure all the current White house inhabitants and the congressional Republicans on it and set it adrift at sea

I’m a big fan of Military Energy gum. Not sure why I don’t just do the pills, but something about the gum makes me feel like my caffeine addiction isn’t that bad. 

If I were an autoworker in Michigan, gun control would definitely not be at the top of my concern list to discuss with political candidates. Can’t afford guns if you’re unemployed or if the Supreme Court abolishes unions and collective bargaining. 

Pudding cups. So many pudding cups. I like to tell myself it’s because my kid only wants to eat pudding while sick, but it’s really because if I’m going to die, drowning in a bathtub of chocolate pudding is probably the way to go

It’s like the privilege behind Kavanaugh. Dude felt entitled to a supreme court job. In a sane world, credible attempted rape accusations and a bunch of other things would disqualify him from that job in favor of many other people who did not attempt to rape someone. Same for any other job. Louis CK doesn’t have some…

This is a problem for people with self control who can keep themselves from just eating the whole bag to avoid figuring out how to close the bag, 

It’s cool guys, he just found that money in the couch cushions, he still has plenty left!

I drink at least $15 of shit coffee per month that I have to make myself. I’d be willing to pay more for essentially unlimited quantities of more convenient better coffee

I would do that subscription even for a place with worse coffee than Panera. Those 32 oz tubs of Folgers ground coffee are like $7 and will make me far less than a month of bad coffee (sad story, this is how I get my caffeine these days). If the local ABP, Dunkin, or Starbucks would offer me a subscription plan, I’d…

Can someone who does those kinds of mostly highway miles on a common ICE car put this into perspective? I live in a city with pretty harsh weather and driving conditions so to me it doesn’t seem bad relative to the things my family’s cars have gone through

I sense the making of a movie about a plucky prison football team. Maybe also get Adam Sandler for it, he’s always good in those kinds of movies

The out of character part is the fact that he did it in public in front of a non-white person. He probably says it around his all-white squash club all the time

It’s the perfect play! It looks good to their base and the cheapskates don’t even have to pony up any scholarship money!

I’m pretty sure that the superbowl half time show is at the bottom of the list of things keeping this guy out of heaven.