Some very smart people, not as smart as me but still very smart, have said that you can prevent coronavirus transmission by just cooking your burgers until they are well done. 

I’m a big fan of Military Energy gum. Not sure why I don’t just do the pills, but something about the gum makes me feel like my caffeine addiction isn’t that bad. 

My only hope is that they all contracted the coronavirus during the briefing

If I were an autoworker in Michigan, gun control would definitely not be at the top of my concern list to discuss with political candidates. Can’t afford guns if you’re unemployed or if the Supreme Court abolishes unions and collective bargaining. 

We should absolutely be comparing this to the flu. Not to downplay the severity, but to point out that the flu kills tens of thousands of Americans each year despite having a somewhat effective vaccine and some targeted antiviral medications. Most data point to coronavirus being more transmissible and slightly more…

What percentage of urine can the hand sanitizer have and still be able to disinfect? 

I’m sure when CPAC attendees start dying of coronavirus, they’ll probably deny it was coronavirus and call it freedom fever or something. 

You mean this is not the time for me to try to beat that new world record for largest gathering of people dressed as Smurfs? How else are we supposed to demonstrate superiority over the French?

Pudding cups. So many pudding cups. I like to tell myself it’s because my kid only wants to eat pudding while sick, but it’s really because if I’m going to die, drowning in a bathtub of chocolate pudding is probably the way to go

It’s like the privilege behind Kavanaugh. Dude felt entitled to a supreme court job. In a sane world, credible attempted rape accusations and a bunch of other things would disqualify him from that job in favor of many other people who did not attempt to rape someone. Same for any other job. Louis CK doesn’t have some…

Also conservatives should be banned from receiving any government services for dealing with the virus. I’m sure the private sector and some hearty bootstrap stew will do the job

The hero we need but not the hero we deserve

I really hope the coronavirus runs rampant through the CPAC assholes. That would be some poetic justice

This is a problem for people with self control who can keep themselves from just eating the whole bag to avoid figuring out how to close the bag, 

It’s cool guys, he just found that money in the couch cushions, he still has plenty left!

This is what happens when the entire Republican party uniformly shits on science and cuts funding to agencies like the CDC. It takes years to decades to recruit and train experts for these often thankless and poorly paid jobs, and when you let them go due to budget cuts, you can’t just hire new qualified people like a…

David Bowie fighting monsters with a giant sword would be a movie I’d watch

They hunt the monsters from either a train or a submarine

Except in this country sick people are expected to continue to work...

Nothing is free. Most vaccines are free for children because we as a society have decided that they should be. The vaccines for children program is very popular and quite successful in making sure that vaccine-preventable illnesses don’t run rampant in this country.  https://www.cdc.gov/vaccines/programs/vfc/index.html