I still find myself saying “because of the implications” all the time, and nobody understands me. Except my wife, who says it just as often, which is why I married her

I was under the impression that the entire goal of American capitalism is to claim millions of taxpayer dollars for doing nothing

I think a second violation should mean permanent loss of your drivers license. Paying attention to the road is one of the fundamental parts of driving. If you can’t be bothered to do it, you shouldn’t be able to drive

I’m surprised the defense didn’t just straight up say “she saw a black man”

He later added that he was hoarding time outs to add to Andy Reid’s collection

- “Are there any downsides to getting a bunch of face tattoos?”

I’m waiting for Antonio Brown to tweet about this

If Sanders wanted a penalty call, he should have just ripped off his own helmet and thrown it

I like kickers. They’re the toughest.

The three assholes in my neighborhood with these cars will permanently turn the track mode on and throw away the remote before continuing to live out their fantasy of The Italian Job

The phrase “undefeated Bills” made me throw up a little in my mouth

One of my childhood friends is an asshole who would spend hours tormenting a flock of geese living near his house. One day he slipped on some goose shit while chasing them and fell down. The geese then turned around and extracted their revenge. The poor kid actually lost one eye and still has some scars decades later.

I wish we could redline these antivax harpies and make them use separate (and unequal) public accommodations

This is why your pediatrician will tell you not to give little kids teething medications with local anesthetics - infants are much more susceptible to this than adults due to immature mechanisms for maintaining hemoglobin in a proper oxidative state.

That’s some really bullshit from Bette. Black people have had to put up with all sort of voter suppression shit since the 1800s, yet in the 2016 election not only turned out to vote but almost universally voted for the correct candidate. White people are the ones who got Trump elected. Now in addition to having to…

First time moms can be in the early stages of labor for over 24 hours (it absolutely does suck) so it’s not crazy that they sent her home, but if you’re going to be doing that, you really better have all your ducks in a row. So that means making sure they don’t live too far away and giving very clear instructions.…

The people yelling about the government getting in the way of their freedom the loudest are almost always the ones most dependent on the government, either through subsidies or regulations beneficial to them. The farmers dependent on government-provided infrastructure such as dams and irrigation networks, as well as…

Oh, I see you read Atlas Shrugged. The point of living in our form of government is that the government gets to make some decisions for the benefit of everyone, including basic safety standards, emission standards, etc. If you want unfettered freedom, you can feel free to move to Somalia, I hear the total liberty…

I refuse to believe that venture capitalist and investors all of a sudden care about such abstract ideas as “revenue”, “profit”, and “business plan”. 

I know lots of people who work long hours at hard jobs and don’t defame people on twitter. It’s not hard, I’m doing it as we speak after being awake for 36 hours straight