We’re about to impose 100% tariffs on canadian lube and condoms

Ride around the pothole ridden streets at 7AM, and all you see are methadone clinic lines of people with Eagles jerseys and pajama bottoms or too short denim-shorts strangulating fat flabby calves. I’m constantly amazed that Eagle’s fans haven’t gone extinct from not having the IQ to avoid choking on scrapple or a…

They tried replacing the human players with dogs back in the 1990s, but the dogs kept taking a knee every time they heard a dog whistle

Good thing they had the foresight to put all the lead in the water to kill the bacteria in case they ever had to dump sewage in there. 

Pantaleo’s mistake was that he used the chokehold. Had he simply shot Garner, he could have just pulled the usual line about him reaching for his waistband in a threatening manner and there would be zero repercussions. 

Philadelphia: A lot of the “major” streets are one-way only, and only have 2 lanes + a parking lane. There is inevitably some asshole double parked and taking up one of those lanes. There’s also always another asshole double parked in the other lane, leaving only like 10 feet between the cars, so you have to weave…

His leave is just to prepare for his confirmation hearings to head the new ICE division of racial purity

I should try this with my 2012 MBP. It’s been put out to pasture to make room for my 2017 MBP, but I miss the magsafe and the keyboard...

Just in case, Cashman will avoid getting any closer to Boston

The only way this could be more Philly is if they were beating each other with bags of stale pretzels 

I would pay good money to see the AB hand-painted version of the Raiders logo. Maybe once he retires because of the helmet rules, we can get him to do all the NFL teams ones, a la George W Bush

I’m sure that their average fan produces enough beer-soaked ass and crotch sweat per hour to drown the entire team

I’m willing to bet that sex situation didn’t happen, or at least not in the way that he remembers it. Either way, it ended with his furiously masturbating with a bible or a copy of Atlas Shrugged

I don’t have a problem with this. I think the markets for craft beer and the typical AB stuff are very different. People are not going to play beer pong or do keg stands with better, more expensive beers. The college market, sports stadiums, etc, these all need cheap reliable beer. I used to drink my fair share of…

Just to give some perspective for what this family is going through - high risk neuroblastoma therapy is one of the most intense in pediatric oncology - without any complications, it’s about 18 months total, and includes 5 cycles of chemotherapy, surgery, 2 (!) bone marrow transplants, radiation therapy, and then…

Is it spicy?  I’m trying to find a meat marinade that my toddler would like that is actually palatable to me. 

I’m sure Trump and Putin will be sitting together that their next game

The criminal investigation is going to go like this: Was this guy a cop? And the person he assaulted was black? Nothing to see here, no need to press charges

When the tunnel floods, will he provide rescue submarines?

Alcohol? I totally would have guessed meth