I think the main problem of our economic system is that a company needs to keep growing and satisfying investors to be considered worthwhile, which almost always ends up in everyone except the C-suite and some investors getting screwed. Why can’t we have a company that provides a consistent service, pays workers…

Because we know that in today’s stock market, stock price has a very reality-based relationship to a company’s financial health and outlook

I’m personally a big fan of telling the bartender what kind of beers I like and asking for their recommendations. If you have a bartender who really knows the product, you can almost always find something good within 1-2 trials

Guys in New York walking down the street, carrying their glasses in their hands and then bump into you, dropping and breaking the glasses. Of couse it’s the only pair they have and they need them to see (but apparently not walk), so they start demanding $20 for new glasses. There’s also a version where they’re…

As a white dude and a casual Eagles fan, I’m running out of reasons to give a shit about the NFL. Pretty soon the Venn diagram of people who watch football and Nascar will overlap perfectly, and then their viewership will rapidly drop off as the genetic defects and alcohol take their toll. 

I’m very curious what kind of judge gives out search warrants on the basis of an anonymous tip

This Binotto guy probably can’t figure out what’s more upsetting, that a black man moved into high neighborhood, or that he moved out but left an unmanicured lawn. I’m counting down the minutes until Trump starts retweeting him

The Mets would like a word with her 

She was just looking to get some Instagram pictures of her pulling herself up by some diamond encrusted bootstraps!

I can guarantee that none of these guys get treated better post-surgery, because they are still the same entitled uninteresting douchebags

I’m waiting for the NRA to jump in and defend this man’s right to openly carry a gun to protect himself from black people

At least the Republicans are up front about their thoughts that all black people should be jailed or shot, and don’t make up bullshit stories to hide their racism. I hope Rahm Emmanuel gets convicted of some crime and gets to spend time in jail

New Yorkers outs of Staten Island consider it more a part of Jersey. We bear no responsibility for those assholes

I think an easy solution to the bathroom thing is that people of all genders and identification just shit in a plastic bag and then mail it to Mitch McConnell 

She has much better technique and consistency than the guy from the RIchard Spencer nazi punching video. She is now my new nazi punching hero.

Prior to the rally, Trump shat in every single one of those hard hats, and then sold them to his supporters as “freedom tariff hats”

The socks have better hair than Trump

You can make it more white by adding arugula and using gluten-free ancient-grin bread. 

He’s going to draft a 20 page memo about how we was robbed by the referees

This Ocean’s 4 bunch was trying to steal the amethyst crystal to power a new North Korean anti-capitalist laser