Because we know that in today’s stock market, stock price has a very reality-based relationship to a company’s financial health and outlook

I’m personally a big fan of telling the bartender what kind of beers I like and asking for their recommendations. If you have a bartender who really knows the product, you can almost always find something good within 1-2 trials

Guys in New York walking down the street, carrying their glasses in their hands and then bump into you, dropping and breaking the glasses. Of couse it’s the only pair they have and they need them to see (but apparently not walk), so they start demanding $20 for new glasses. There’s also a version where they’re…

I think in general any interaction with people who vape is bad for you

I guess that’s a bit better than therapy for the low flow version - getting a needle aspiration of the blood in your penis

I had a pet rat at one point, definitely better than the mice I work with!

That’s so weird - I’ve always preferred to use female mice in my experiments. The males are a huge pain - they are always fighting and have to be separated out into different cages, which makes things more inconvenient and expensive. The males also tend to get variably fat with age, while the females stay at near the…

As a white dude and a casual Eagles fan, I’m running out of reasons to give a shit about the NFL. Pretty soon the Venn diagram of people who watch football and Nascar will overlap perfectly, and then their viewership will rapidly drop off as the genetic defects and alcohol take their toll. 

I’m very curious what kind of judge gives out search warrants on the basis of an anonymous tip

I can’t imagine waking up in bed with someone and that being the first thing I see

Even the people traveling in to work are still staying in local housing, eating at local restaurants, and hopefully paying some taxes. Unfortunately I think that the majority of people voting for the Republicans are too dumb to equate any economic pain they feel with their votes

Jellyfish have DNA and a heartbeat, as do many other things that we do not consider human. So fuck off with your pseudoscience and go slam your balls in a bible. Your “facts” are not welcome here

This Binotto guy probably can’t figure out what’s more upsetting, that a black man moved into high neighborhood, or that he moved out but left an unmanicured lawn. I’m counting down the minutes until Trump starts retweeting him

The Mets would like a word with her 

Also everyone knows that electric catapults do nothing to treat the scourge of bone spurs

She was just looking to get some Instagram pictures of her pulling herself up by some diamond encrusted bootstraps!

I can guarantee that none of these guys get treated better post-surgery, because they are still the same entitled uninteresting douchebags

I’m waiting for the NRA to jump in and defend this man’s right to openly carry a gun to protect himself from black people

Patients forget to tell us stuff that they’re taking even when asked all the time, especially the herbal things that they don’t consider medicine. I’ve literally asked people for a list of all herbal supplements they take, explicitly telling them that I need to know because some interfere with chemotherapy I’m…

This literally is one of those zebras that we learn about in med school, pops up on a bunch of the board exams, and then never actually appears in the wild. It’s great that they caught it!