Clearly the biggest technological advance in all of baseball has been making the checkbox on the ballot look a bit 3-dimensional

Why are all the spectators perfectly positioned to get plowed down if he doesn't make the turn?

The right wingers are going to be so conflicted. It's like 2nd amendment rights vs war on Christmas vs Santa is white, all in one story!

While we're at it, whoever is fatter never has to cook because they can just live off reserves, and obviously whoever needs to eat first should cook

Pretty sure that salivary glands don't actually absorb things in your mouth. Very little actually travels up the salivary duct to get back to the salivary glands

When you speak with a Boston accent, you're bound to spell things incorrectly

Maybe the Jets should look into getting him as their QB. An added bonus is that a buttfumble would be impossible

This kind of stuff doesn't fly in Russia anymore. It's well known that Vladimir Putin wrestled all the bears into submission sometime in 2001.

Changing your name when you get married does not seem like a good option for professional women. My wife had her medical license in her name, had multiple published papers, and her whole professional identity tied to her name, and this was only in our mid-20s. I can't imagine doing it even later on, when you've…

There's no way that Republicans would be OK with this many African Americans exercising 2nd amendment rights that are reserved for real 'Muricans. It'll probably come up as another demand in the government shutdown negotiations

It would be more useful if they did this on a per-capita basis. Texas, California, and Florida also account for a huge chunk of the nation's overall population

Deion was subsequently spotted at a Tea Party rally with this sign

I don't always print clever t-shirts, but when I do, I always double check my grammar.

The new Patriots offensive plan is to murder the opposing defense. Literally.

After realizing that the Anustart license plate was no good, Tobias Funke had to find an alternative.

If this were in NY or LA, that monkey and its owner would have 10 bullet holes each within a minutes of this happening

I think they need to modify the pitch tracker display to include the batter and umpire.

I'm pretty sure there were wrestlers in my high school who made heavy use of this technique before meets

He's doing an awesome thing. I'm not sure though why he'd have to be held back from competition. It sounds like he's donating bone marrow as a surgical procedure where they actually use a giant hollow needle to aspirate your bone marrow. I've actually collected bone marrow that way, and it always seemed pretty brutal…

Unless you're applying for a job at Fox News, having the "White Student Union" as an extracurricular activity on your resume will not be good for any career prospects.