How the hell has no fast food place thought to top a burger with an egg yet? Seriously, this should be a no-brainer.

First off: Eww Buger King.

The actual real Dolly Parton (YES THAT DOLLY PARTON) made a quiz for Buzzfeed called "What Dolly Parton Song Are You?" I got "Jolene." All previous life's accomplishments are hereby declared null and invalid.

I actually had hamsters growing up, and it used to crack me up how they would stuff their cheeks full of food. My guys looked very much like this one in the gif! He is nomming to the max. I can almost hear the little noises they made when they ate.

HOLY SHIT AUNT KANYE! I love hamsters, I love burritos, and this gif has made my day! I love you to the moon and back.

To account for the Texas thing—yes, there are plenty of shitty things that would make you think the numbers of people who want to leave would be a lot higher. But as Texans, a lot of us want to change our state, not abandon it. Speaking personally, I'm not going anywhere. Fuck all that noise. For every bullshit law…

I have this! It's called Morton's toe.

I have the same thing. I am also proud of what I call my velociaraptor feet. :D

I think feet with a longer second toe are really adorable. Seriously. Those and the type of long skinny toes with a bulbous end that look kind of like tree frog toes, they make me go "d'awwww". No idea why and that might make me sound like a weirdo foot fetishist but meh, whatever- I'd take your freak toe over short,…

I thought it was just me! Whew! Because I have some special shoes that rarely come out of the closet that I've had for 20 years and I swear they hurt more now than ever.

Damn. Time to get some fat sucked out of my ass and put in my feet!

Always have the upper hand, you don't need to know his name to hop on his tic tac.

In similar news, these bath salts are doing nothing for my skin!

I raised my middle son for 17 years before he found the courage to come out to me as Trans. The agony my child is going through right now is heart-breaking. We are trying to wrap our heads around it and being as supportive as possible, the school is being very good and yet this is still hell for my baby. Just…

I know, right? Now I'm really sad. I love jelly beans =[ Stupid asshole in charge of the jelly beans...

I used to LOVE Jelly Bellys - now? BOYCOTT.

It totally sucks, but don't you feel good about being rid of candy? Life can be healthier now! Or full of more real margaritas? Or something? :(

Where the fuck else do you get popcorn-flavored jelly beans, I ask you?

The next time you feel the need to do something "good" and "necessary" and "right," DO NOT MAKE IT ABOUT MY CRACK.