Gives a whole new meaning to “They fuck you up, your mum and dad...” (Philip Larkin poem)

schadenimlivingmybestlifeandyoucansuckitnickfreude?

Mothers of thirteen-year-olds should get “push presents” for not pushing said teenagers into oncoming traffic.*

Just like when you lose something and even your mom can’t find it. That’s when you know it’s really gone.

Remember when we were all still rooting for Lindsay? Yeah, I'm glad that's over.

Oh...no...no way...not going with you there. Sorry. Unh-uh.

ALERT!!! IM GOING TO LOSE MY JOB!!!

OMG I DIDN’T EVEN CONSIDER THIS.

Jaden + Shia = couple? ??

The fact that humans sympathize with emotionless objects over our fellow human beings proves that humans are jerks who don’t deserve any sympathy.

I think one of the reasons my husband wanted to marry me was my lasagne

Engagement tofu? The best vegetarian dish a non veggie friend made for me was veggie chili and polenta. That was pretty awesome.

I’m sure she did, before slurring “you’re no Bert Reynolds, you know!” at Bill.

Is Back to Black really the best choice for a 15 year old? Like... I feel like that is a song that should be sung by someone who has seen some shit, ya know?

Right?

Hmmph. More speculation about Fallon’s addiction. Another adorable NPH family costume. Yet another Hotline Bling cover. More unnecessary all-female reimaginings. It’s all so boring and familiar. I needed some real gossip and escapism this morning.

Ugh, I get that she was an amusing storyteller, but I don’t understand how anyone could read that story about violent sex trafficking and a mentally ill-person self-harming and attempting suicide and come away entertained. The whole thing was pretty fucking disturbing.

Unsurprised. Did they do a gender analysis? I’d bet all my doughnuts (WHICH IS THE BIGGEST BET I CAN MAKE) that women heart patients don’t see as large a benefit from marriage as the men do.

You’re boring! JK. I don’t know you. Sorry you don’t like Adele. May God restore your soul.