I tried to hail a cab today and I accidentally picked off a Christian Hackenberg pass.

There’s just too many double consonants in that hotel’s name.

A Marriott in Cincinnati claims to have the world’s largest indoor gazebo. I can’t quite articulate why, but it strikes me as the perfect analogy for Cincinnati. 

Hey! There are only 64 cities that have a larger population in this country! Show some damn respect. 

Spending a week off to wander around Jacksonville seems a little harsh. 

Nice to know these fans will be in shape for the regular season.

NFL coaches: They’re just like us!

I read this exact same advice in Goop, except it was paprika instead of salt, oat milk instead of beer, pouring it on your clit instead of drinking it, and instead of changing your life in the abstract it eliminated the discomfort of menopause.

“And if you happen to be near the ocean or a salt lake, all you have to do is fill an empty can of beans with some of the water, leave it on the dashboard of your van overnight, and the next morning, you have free salt!”

I already trust Jim Tomsula more than any guidance counselor I had in middle/high school.

People don’t understand just how good even “bad” NBA players are.

Holy shit, your mind goes to some strange, terrifying places. +666

Who gives a shit if the players protest? In doing so, they aren’t disrupting the game and, much more importantly, they aren’t infringing on anybody’s rights.

Idiots: UNIONS DURRRRR BAD! 

Joke’s on you! I was too fat to fit in a locker!

Accost random female passersby and demand to be shown...things?

Live a happier, healthier life?

Haven’t Florida public schools suffered enough this year?

What Pats fan honestly gives a shit about the 16-0 regular season given that they lost the Super Bowl?  Certainly not the bandwagoners, who invaded every sports forum like locusts that fall and then mysteriously disappeared the day after the loss.

“One of the linebackers went MIA.”