if the RNC wants to swing at a bunch of softballs they can go on Fox & Friends like always

“You know, the Colonel also spoke of the better ingredients in which our Aryan brothers were made from, not like those oth.....*dial tone*”

That...actually doesn’t look all that appetizing. It looks more like whale blubber than a steak.

Freedom Fries. Get it right.

Mike Pence probably eats unsalted french fries.

...Assistant TO the Hobo Coordinator.

I still can’t wrap my head around the way the Colts moved to Indy in the first place: the sheer criminality of what the Irsay ownership did, plus the fact they moved to the MIDDLE OF INDIANA instead of someplace more scenic like, oh I dunno, Albuquerque.

His post is Assistant Hobo Coordinator.

Cut to Andrew Luck effortlessly hurling a tiny Nerf football over a six-story building, then falling to his knees into a blind, weeping rage. Rod Serling drags on a cigarette in the background.

Fuck me, fuck Ryan Grigson, fuck Chuck Pagano with a gallon jug of Grigson’s hair grease, fuck the medical staff with Peyton Manning’s forehead, and triple-fuck decrepit-ass Jim Irsay with the shattered and twisted remains of Andrew Luck’s shoulder and dignity.

My star goes to Tim and the last line of the article:

Vice President O’Douls

The play that most embodies my childhood as a Colts fan was Nick Harper scooping up a fumble and running in the open field after Jerome Bettis fumbled at the goal line with a minute left in the playoffs. Ben Roethlisberger, who in 2005 still had the same maneuverability as he does in 2018, made an open field tackle…

the Colts’ roster is a bunch of set extras and hobos

[Colts hang up “2018 WYTS Finalist” banner in Lucas Oil Stadium]

Before you know it half your team is on the DL.

IT DID NOT HAPPEN. :(

Presumably they'll all die of dysentery along the way anyway.

Oh, he’ll be provided with a new family in Arizona. That’s how these things are done.

Pizza’s a hell of a drug, though.