This week, a woman in my office said ‘If my husband dies, that’s it, I’m never dating again, I can’t be arsed’.

I feel like I should be with The Weeknd and his drug-filled ass.

Extra stars for appropriate use of ALL CAPS.

WHY WOULD SENSUALITY EVER BE USED TO DESCRIBE A PRESIDENTIAL INAUGURATION THAT’S NOT A THING EVEN WHEN WE AREN’T SWEARING IN THE GROSSEST MAN ALIVE.

The obvious answer is “He Who Shall Not Be Named”

Good. No one associated with anything traditional should be anywhere near his ass to sully themselves. Everything about this inaugeration - and this presidency, really - should have to be harder for him than it has been for previous presidents just to ram home the point that this presidency is not normal.

I’d recommend watching Teeth. Great movie!

Coutney B. Vance was robbed. I like Hiddles, but good lord that speech was cringey. Also I kinda hate how so many folks acted like Taylor Swift had some magic pussy of doom that ensnared poor widdle Tom, cause Tom is just as thirsty as Taylor.

Retail workers are saints. I do my best to get in and get out without wasting their time.

My husband used to work at a restaurant equipment and supply, and rich people often came in to stock their huge kitchens with expensive things that they would probably never use. One day a woman came in to look at Dualit toasters ($300). When showed the knob that allows users to adjust the browning time, she asked…

Same! And it’s only going to increase once iZombie finally comes back.

You are so dumb.

I think I’ve watched every single episode of Charmed...granted, I did it with the TV on mute. (OMG! THE NIPPLES!)

“You know whose take I need? Ryan Seacrest’s,” said millions of people across the world.

Reality stars in the white house. Who next? The Situation in the situation room? Those weirdo Duggars running Children and Family Services?

With my advanced age, I have learned one big comforting thing: no one really gives a shit. Your family may give you some crap, your partner may get down on you, but in a world of 7.4 billion people, no one really cares. Do what makes you happy. Fuck up. The world loves fuck up stories because then they can feel…

DAYMN

Tom Hardy, trolling for...something on MySpace.

I often wonder whether my black kitty would have been adopted if I hadn’t come along. On top of being black, he had a *nasty* upper respiratory infection that took a very long time to get rid of, and he ended up with some brain damage as a result, so even though he’s five years old, developmentally, he’s still ten…

Woody is pretty much the sole reason I’m a Tom Hardy fan. Random homeless doggie! They met in Australia! Tom fell so in love with Woody that he had Jessica Chastain and her mom foster the doggie until he could move to the U.K.! Anyone who adores labs as much as he loves this dog is awesome by definition. The only…