My first thought was margarita orgy/fondue party...

I was kicked, slapped, spanked, punched, hit with objects, verbally abused, taunted...because that’s what I know I decided when I was like 17 I just wasn’t having kids.

How about we give Puerto Rico statehood, and turn Alaska into a protected animal reserve where all the pre-existing garbage humans can be considered a food source? I mean, if we’re gonna have it- let’s have it all.

In about 3 drinks I can see myself singing, “My Heart Will Go On” to a jar of Hellman’s. It’s been that kind of day.

...oops. You get my point though?

I need to make a mental note to quit reading “Dirt Bag” once it gets to the presidential tweets. They just make me tired.

This sounds like a really sweet set-up for the first half of an episode of Tales From the Crypt...

Ugh, I hate admitting this because I feel like such a shit.

I’m just sitting here white knuckling my mouse while I wait to hear news of a “The Craft” remake so I can invoke the spirit and go full Nancy as I’ve always threatened.

Well...Florida... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Oh, well if Megyn Kelly says so why does this merit further conversation?

Today is bizarre and stupid.

I legit cackled at “dick and regret” and now everyone is looking at me funny...

I’m picturing the cell block tango, except with lionesses now.

I have jokes, I have sympathies...I’m really torn. I’m just gonna go with...Huh.

I never realized how much Gwen Stefani looks like a blurry Miley Cyrus in a wig...huh.

I dunno, Ashlyn Reeser sounds like an excellent name for a soap opera villain...

My sisters boyfriend is constantly giving her hickeys bc in his last relationship the girl cheated on him and he’s a little insecure. And I’m like...y’all are 30...quit...

Ugh, it’s finally cool enough to make pot roast and this fool is killing my appetite.

I have to watch “A Fish Called Wanda” immediately.