I’ll give you my dildo when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.

I dunno, man -- with Dubya we got Sufjan, Bright Eyes, and the Decemberists. Dunno how lit that “punk” fire is gonna be this time around.

It’s true — your third drink will lead you astray.

Of course the Bucs are red hot now. The Ascendancy Of Jameis Winston is the football story we deserve in 2016.

Wood County native, myself. You leave the land -- BUT THE LAND NEVER LEAVES YOU.

This is relevant 24/7/365.

“I like the personal touch you can only get from hired goons.”

Bortle Rocket

Doritos seem to be a constant for my friends and myself. A friend ate an entire bag of Cool Ranch for lunch yesterday, and I ate half of a bag of Spicy Nacho last night.

You’re absolutely right. Should have written “two” instead of “one.”

I am obviously a moron -- it’s TWO minutes and fifteen seconds.

It’s taken me nearly 38 years to figure out, but I SWEAR that the absolute exact amount of time to microwave a bag of popcorn is one minute and fifteen seconds. I just re-tested it (which pissed off all my co-workers, but fuck them, I’m all about comfort eating this week) and I assure you that this is the only thing…

Go to San Marcos. That place rules.

Has nobody been watching the terrible-but-entertaining, multiple-award-deserving CBS television series “Zoo”?! THEY WERE TRYING TO WARN US.

hahahahahahahahahaha, oh shit, dude! I am certainly no expert on women, but probably the thing they hate the most is (in any way) being compared to their mom.

Yup. Shit’s racist. I live in Cleveland and drive by Progressive Field every work day, and still cringe when I see that goddamn mascot. Just because your pappy said it wasn’t racist doesn’t mean it ain’t. Grow the hell up.

It was soooooooooo good. I took seconds and she sent me the rest home, which I devoured in its entirety in about two minutes while watching football.

Yeah, just last weekend I was visiting my mom, who was super liberal throughout my childhood (and who has been retired for 10 years), and she said to me, “Well, of course the corporate media is in the tank for Hillary.” My mouth dropped open. I would have gotten into an argument with her had she not just made the most…

Thank you, Indians!