I was probably five or six years old. It’s my dad’s birthday, and also a Saturday morning, so as an annoying little kid I’m obviously the first one up by a few hours. My mom had set up the “birthday table” late that previous night after my dad went to bed — you know, cards, presents, and a bunch of candy because he…

I bet that mascot really gets the potty started! Always stoolin’ around! Well, that’s the end of scat! #killme

My goodness. I am BASKING in all this shade.

MY GOD, IT’S LIKE CHRISTMAS MORNING.

There will come a day when kids are so poorly raised and porn becomes so ever-present that there will just be porn everywhere. Everyone will do porn. Everyone will stare at porn in public. Guys on the subway will openly jack off to porn on the Oculus Rift. It’s just gonna get pornier and pornier until everyone lets it…

I contest your proposal that Peyton Manning is human.

My lord. They need the Space Browns so bad.

A good pal of mine was at that Ryman show in 2002! The news reports made Ryan sound REAL crappy, but apparently it was a mainly acoustic show, and the dude who was eventually thrown out was being a loud dick for most of the show up to the point he was thrown out. People cheered as he was leaving (I am told).

I dunno. Throw some kale on that bone broth, and I might be interested.

I also turned fully into an angry old man when I found out the Final Four was only on cable. WHAT ABOUT THE MONOCULTURE?!

This dude is a good representation of every other white dude here in Cleveland.

GO ON A VACATION, ADAM.

Hell yeah. Their seasonal Thundersnow changed my life this past winter. ("Changed my life" = "made me gain seven pounds.")

This shit right here .. this is the shit.

I once had a torrid affair with Jewel. Oh, wait, I’m sorry, I’m confusing real life with my high-school dream journal again. :(

Great, now I'm gay. THANKS, DEADSPIN.

Falcon Feel-Up

Oh man, I thought the U.K. band Travis was going to be HUGE — like, as big as Coldplay became a year or two later. They had a bunch of good songs, were bland English dudes — pretty much the hallmarks of most modern-day English bands that hit it sorta-big. I was obviously wrong and had to eat my fish & chips in peace.