True, except for they need more Richard Kind. The adversarial struggle with scallops in the first season was great.

I enjoyed the first season, but couldn’t make it through the second. Needs like three fewer Kroll characters and less Mantzoukas. They’re both decently funny dudes in the correct dosages. Just too much here. Whenever they’re all in it ends up feeling like a shitty early aughts Comedy Central show.

I’ll eat almost any garbage pizza, but I avoid Pizza Hut because once it cools it’s terrifyingly bad. How they manage to get that much grease into the dough is beyond me. And once it congeals it’s like biting into a breadstick you found in your shower drain. 

This tweet never fails. 

Wait what? He’s never released a straight up album before this? The mixtape scene is cool and there’s nothing wrong with it. I’m just amazed at this detail.

CORRECT. I can buy the tupperware thing to put my cereal in and buy traps an such for mice/rats. Roaches will eat the fucking caulk around the sink and then fly DIRECTLY AT YOU. They are fecund demons that feast on any chill moment you try to have if you’re within 200 yards of them.

NO ROACH OR BEETLE OF ANY KIND SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY. In my mind I can hear that disgusting end-of-the-world chitinous sound of them clicking against a window and my skin wants to rip itself from my body and crawl to the moon. I’m lucky to live on the fourth floor, but the fuckers still hit the windows sometimes…

The first and only time I tried playing a full on open-to-randos online game was Jedi Knight: Dark Forces II. It was filled with the worst people and so hacked that I abandoned the idea permanently. In the years since, it appears the only thing I’ve missed is more of that and maybe having a seizure from trying to…

Asahi is soooo good! I’d have picked Dos Equis too. Perfect summer beer.

Fuck, I forgot about the galactically mediocre Timothy Chalamet. Good god. ALWAYS THE MOST ANNOYING PERSON SURVIVES.

Me, watching that goofy ass single season of Pan Am: Damn, this Kelli Garner’s great. I really hope she gets a career boost from this instead of that dork that plays her sister.

Good god kill me. 

Can’t wait to read a bunch of Buzzfeed blogs about the subtle empowerment of some fictional vampire class dumbass as the non-fictional ones build new decks from the bones of the homeless.

I’m currently nude and red and whipping a stupid Final Fantasy sword around in a gas station, defending the wine.

“And yes I consider $80 a luxury controller because my PS4's DualShock 4 doesn’t drift for years for me and my Pro controller which has had all of my extensive ‘rough’ playtime on it is also perfectly fine.”

Seriously, how is it that every time there’s a draft for new PERSON YOU MUST ENDLESSLY HEAR ABOUT we pick some shovel-faced dipshit like this? This is how we got Jared fucking Leto (who 100% wears that Joker makeup at home) barnacled to our collective ass for the last 25 goddamn years. Good god it’s like that scene in…

I have such fond memories of Big Night and The Imposters. I really need Tucci to get the gang back together and make another one of these. 

This is so dope! It’s like I dumped my football cards out and they landed in the form of a story. Steve Grogan! Just sitting here remembering some guys.

On a related note, I love that I had multiple papers in college brought down whole grades, not because the content was bad or because I hadn’t cited my work, but because I didn’t adhere to the maniacs’ code of works cited formatting. “The paper was insightful and I know where all the ideas came from, but absolutely…

This person has more privilege and opportunity than almost anyone on the planet and she’s still out here writing these dumbass blogs about how hard it is for her to be a star. And this is after spending the first five years of her career receiving little to no pushback or criticism for any of her boring Target ad-ass…