Watching this red-assed oaf turn into the “you’re disrespecting a future US Army soldier” Vine kid every time he spends the day getting his shit wrecked is such a lovely treat. What an absolute turd.

Good thing we saw this coming based on how it took hold in places like South Korea and didn’t do something absurd like spend a decade hyping it as a self-expression power move rather than tempering a positive message of autonomy and agency with reasonable concern for how people come to feel inadequate. Oh wait.

I refuse to return to the world where the Joker uses the toilet. The old world was extruded and pinched off in the past. We must embrace the arc that has taken this character from being a goofy exploration of the social contract to Mr. Cool Ice Jared Leto wetly tromboning a prepper’s-sized can of Dinty Moore into his…

Hello, it’s me the liver-spotted oaf who has been mainlining Rush Limbaugh for 35 years. I’m here to complain that youngsters are too soft and then call the police because I saw a car that was painted yellow.

That’s the vibe I’ve been picking up. It really does look incredible and the only thing really holding me back is just not wanting to buy a whole new console even though there are plenty of good reasons to buy a Switch.

I’ve had bad luck since Link to the Past. I got supremely bored halfway through Ocarina of Time and Twilight Princess and never finished either. OoT was groundbreaking in a lot of ways, but under the slick new mechanics was a dreary, tedious slog. Twilight Princess was just super mediocre and that goddamn horse…

This is the one thing that makes me wary of buying a Switch to play it. I slogged through about ten hours of Fallout: New Vegas before I gave up and decided removing my kneecaps with a grapefruit spoon would be a better use of my time than hoarding a Walmart distribution center’s worth of inventory so I could replace…

For real. My only way of dealing with the hanger was to keep myself occupied which at the time was almost always more exercise. I remember visiting my folks and getting halfway through a five mile run in the middle of the night and finally fading to the point where I was a little scared I would keel over. Ended up…

Hahahah yessss! That game had the good weird energy that makes veering off the path fun. GTAV wouldn’t be nearly as much fun if I couldn’t park a bus across the freeway and watch NPCs lose their minds, and none of that would have been possible without games like Lemonade Stand allowing insane ideas to function in…

First off, I’m glad to see my incessant carping has been answered with Ubi finally saying “fuck it” and making a Zelda clone in Gods & Monsters (even though the main character looks awkwardly drab in a Mars Needs Moms way). But this weekend is all about Watch Dogs 2...as long as I can get past the awful driving…

Whatever adults are producing this show should be kneecapped.

I used to joke as a kid about the Lemonade Stand PC game that you could sell a million glasses for a dollar or one glass for a million dollars. Now my only hobby is pushing toothpicks into my eye.

[spends $750k on a jewel-encrusted Magic 8-Ball bolo tie that reads “EATIN’ THAT BUTT” when you shake it] Someone gave me a jet. Can I rap for you?   

Seriously. I’m having a hard time believing a teen with the self-awareness to understand some of the structural problems likely involved here would also be the one who basically wins all the awards then writes a speech shitting on anyone who didn’t act as a personal valet. A lot of the valedictorians my former school…

This is like if 94WIP callers built stonehenge. It’s marvelous to behold and no west coast fandom will ever accomplish anything as wonderful. Our only real marketable skill is powerfully shrugging at the Kings and that’s consistently overshadowed by a bunch of white El Dorado Hills dipshits being eternally angry at…

This right here. Goddamn. I strained and battered myself from 255 to 178 at my lowest and for every fleeting moment of feeling accomplished (but still ravenous) there would be endless days of still feeling fat and gross and insufficient and always, always hungry. Even the mood balancing effects of exercise and genuine…

Last name Monitor, first name Hall

Goddamn this felt so good. Watching Kawhi drive a motorhome over Skip Bayless. You savor these moments. Never let them go!

[extremely “JESUS CHRIST, MARIE, THEY’RE MINERALS” voice] YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THE DOME WANTS, STEVE!