Fair warning, it's at least 5 dates before I'll spaghetiton.

Let's CaNOOODLE - I'm so cannaLONELY!

True story - first one-on-one date with the future Mrs. Not-Walrus, I cooked up a huge pot of Fettucine al Fredo. No immediate sexy-times, but for the long game, it was a solid move.
Also, I tried to translate “Come Fuck Me Penne” into Italian to see if that took the aggressive edge off a bit - 1st attempt “Venite Fuck…

More like PuttanOUTsca, amirite?

Book, singular? Wasn't this a series? The one I remember is when Big Anthony fired up the pasta pot and things got out of hand. Had Big Anthony gone with the Come Fuck Me Penne, that book might have ended much differently.

Golly, thanks! Twelve years in Berkeley CA and I never could tell them apart! So what’s the defining feature? Little Red Book? Authorship of a Manifesto? Communal living situation? Mirthlessness at parties? Utter inability to discern humorous Internet comments from sober incisive analysis of leftist politics? General…

“

All of which likely garner bonus lefty points! Other bonus categories: veganism/gluten-free/Atkins diet practices, naked protest (specific cause inconsequential), driving Prius at any point in life, homosexual/heterosexual experimentation (depends on your "base" state), TV non-ownership

Amazing. I can hardly see his lips move at all!

Quick look down - is the mouse on the left side? You're a lefty!

Maybe there is another solution to this. How about a variation on the "Stand Your Ground" laws to let you shoot an abortion protester in the face it they come without your personal bubble?

Oh hell no!

“BIG BUSH"! Nice turn of the phrase! My thoughts immediately turned to vintage porn. As one's thoughts might.

I've always thought that guys that have a hard-on for virgins are in fact either: 1) virgins themselves, or 2) not very skilled practitioners.

About the only harsher Tweet would be from 1980's-era Robert Downy Jr. telling you to get your shit together.

The script would write itself. Underappreciated swimmer completes last race, falls into funk and goes on a bender in Rio. In the wee hours, swimmer stumbles into male strip bar and is transfixed by vision of Jorge, a middle-aged stripper with all the right moves. Swimmer watches Jorge work the room into an…

Let's just call it : 666!

My vote is for 3/4 combo. Ryan stars in the sequel Magic Mike H2O: Strokin' for Gold!

Audible snort in response to the article photo. For a brief second, I was convinced he had actually posed in Joker-face for some stupid Annie Liebowitz photo shoot thing. Well-played, good madam!

Swimmer: Man I really destroyed that bathroom!
Cashier: Bad sushi?
Swimmer: No in all seriousness, I really destroyed that bathroom! [leaves]
Casher: [looks quizzically after Swimmer]