i super super love you

I was complaining to my grandmother about how cold it was and she said

For all the Patriots playoff games this year, my sons and I have all donned our No. 12 Tom Brady jerseys. We wore them because Brady is so darn good, so darn handsome

As a Patriots fan, I feel like I just found out Dad was banging the nanny the whole time and Mom wasn't a crazy bitch.

I thought that too. What if the camera cut to her for a reaction and she couldn't be seen because she was holding up the paper reading the sports section?

I bet her face smells like a foot. A peppermint foot

I was with you on the pork rinds but as Patrick Henry once said: Give me Fritos or give you death.

Or you could tell her that it is where you keep your gun locked up and that guns are for killing and you own that gun for shooting people dead. And that dead people are dead forever. Then you could teach her some actual gun safety in case she ever stumbles across your firearm.

Just riffing here.

1. Tips are for service. Most people working in industry think it's a God-given right. It's not.

Not that I'm gonna believe that you happen to be that actual customer without a huge fucking grain of salt and a lot of side-eye, but if you were (and are colossally lame enough to not only admit it, but revel in it) the fact that you think that "a rsvp" is the same thing as a reservation makes you the "retarded" one…

"1. Tips are for service. Most people working in industry think it's a God-given right. It's not." LOLNOPE. Did you know the median hourly wage for a server in America, without tip, is about $4.00? Can you make a living off of that? No? Next!

i read your first line and didn't read the rest because you're a fucking asshole.

I find the letter P offensive and respectfully demand you remove all instances of it from this post.

Krumble, you know what? You're paying. You may have to deal with other people's incivility but shrug it off. You sound kind and conscientious. Or go somewhere else where you feel safe, comfortable, and appreciated. Seriously. And you are right; people do judge by covers but if you walk in feeling that you are going to…

I think I should be allowed to eat out if I can wait patiently at non-peak times for a booth and tip extra. The fact that you don't think (slightly)mentally challenged people should eat out also proves my point.

I REALLY REALLY want to hear a white man make that kind of justification.

I was considering a variety of euphemisms. "Knocking boots" almost made an appearance, as did "shagging" but that made me giggle with the Austin Powers-ness. Genitals are all weird looking. No shame for anybody's bits here, whatever form they take.

And THIS is what I find so infuriating about 'pro-lifers' in the United States.

Sometimes I wish the Constitution were more black and white. Like, I wish it would flat out just say in plain English: "No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States." Then we wouldn't have to deal with all this mess...

celebrates her lesbianism and 'marriage' in between appearances of guests like Taylor Swift to attract young girls.