Now Deadspin has a funny guy who tries to talk punting and a punting guy who tries to talk funny.

This girl seems like a pretty unbelievable catch.

One day, I decided I was going to attend one of her soccer games. My father, who I must stress did not stop me despite knowing my intent, drove me to the game and dropped me off. I hopped out of the car, clarinet case in tow, and walked to the field, full of the kind of confidence that can only come from sheer…

My sophomore year, I had a crush on a senior guy.

"Romantic comedy gestures lead to real life restraining order"

i would be genuinely curious to know if you could find this many stories from women. It's been my observed experience that women are far, far, far less likely to put pride/reputation on the line just to tell someone they like them.

Men have often been accused of being unromantic, and the reason most of us are this way is because, 90 percent of the time, any kind of grand romantic gesture on our part ends with the woman being utterly terrified.

Who are all these fourth-grade casanovas. In fourth grade, I was still punching guys in the balls in the lunch line for fun.

But isn't that ironic? Don'tcha think?

I would have driven off so he thought I left and then come back to record it so I could show it to future girlfriends.

Guys, if the crush happened in 5th grade or below, she was the prettiest or cutest girl, not the hottest. We don't see hotness until puberty, this is science.

Against my better judgement, I read every one. All it did was dredge up every awkward teenage interaction I ever had with girls I liked, and now I have a desire to get overwhelmingly drunk.

Being a man of persistence and determination, I refuse to see a romantic gesture as failed until I see a copy of the restraining order.

OK I had to stop after the one about the kid's dad driving him to a soccer game so he could play pep songs on his clarinet. I hope that dad was sitting in his car laughing his ass off, otherwise there is no excuse for not talking his son out of it.

So wot's uh the deal with the sawed-in-half tennis ball thing? Expected an explanation by the end of that one, but it was still just "...sent her a sawed in half tennis ball."

I cannot read this.

White people who get indignant about this kind of shit on Twitter usually don't actually care about the larger issues, they just want to be recognized for appearing to care.

"I'm gonna be honest. This is a devastating morning. I am in tears and am exasperated at these people."

Oh my God, I can't believe you managed to make it about race. For God's sake. He is only saying it would be much easier and more manageable to read it if you had one tweet with a link instead of forty. It is a perfectly legitimate complaint about the limitations of communicating on twitter. It has absolutely NOTHING…

If your first reaction is to accuse me of being a racist because I questioned the medium for an essay I thought was well-written, than you have a lot to think about.