I am a man - a horrible man, don’t get me wrong - and I am appalled to learn this.

NO ONE expects the Massachusetts National Guard!

It gets worse - only about half the male squirrel population even believes there should be a concerted effort to address the nut gap. The conversation really needs to start with squirrel dads. What kind of tree do they want their daughters to live in?

Quoth James Brown: I don’t know karate, but I know ka-razy!

Say, is that a Longfellow in your tomb, or are you just happy to see me?

The scene: a nice, upscale-ish gym in Austin, about 20 years ago. Unisex bathroom near the workout area. In the toilet was a turd the size of a SCUD missile. Ok, really it was about the size, shape, and girth of a Subway 12" sandwich: but comet-shaped with a high-gloss finish. It was sticking up out of the bowl, and…

It works as anti-freeze and as a dessert topping, so why not?

You’re probably right. However, going with that interpretation would have deprived me of the chance to make a questionably funny zinger, so I chose to go with my own.

Why would you want the sex to be just “regular”? You’re boning a cult leader girl, let your freak flag fly!

Yeah, why don’t they just make 10 the loudest?

Interpreted languages are the future, man. Java was nice in its day but Oracle has done f*ck-all with it other than to start some nuisance lawsuits.

What about the women who let him put his actual weenus in them?

I’m going to be that shitlord who points out that Velveeta is technically not cheese (or dairy) but is instead a “processed cheese food product.”

Q. What’s more beautiful than a rose on a piano...?

So glamorous. Most guys like Ice just move straight to Florida and start committing crimes. This guy manages to squeeze all that in between having a hit in the early 90s and DWTS.

I don’t know any “fellows” with an ass that can break the Internet.

My dad a) was a professor and b) has exactly that blazer (I mean exactly).

I’m going to start dozing now by letting this soothing gif rock me to sleep...

I just want to point out the Trini Lopez model Gibson guitars in that main picture. Pretty sweet axes, if you axe me.

I think she had to be the one to handle the innards, because it’s illegal to open someone else’s male.