Fat Dracula admits nothing.

That 90's show “Suddenly Susan” had a theme song by Shawn Colvin, with a lyric that went “So don’t you try to save me / With your advice / Or turn me into something else / ‘Cuz I’m not crazy / And you’re not nice” that always stuck with me for the very trope you mention.

I’m in Austin. Feels like mother effin’ West Berlin in the 60s sometimes.

There is nobody running for president who should be in charge of one of these, let alone all of them.

WOW!!

Nobody at that level will ever go to jail. You can tell how bad it is by how many sacrificial underlings are punished and to what degree, but at some point you reach “escape velocity” in the American system. If you think of the worst-ever scandals in terms of public outrage (Watergate, Iran Contra, Iraq/CIA torture)…

Yikes. I hope y’all are on some kind of prep.

True. They only give it to you in little doses that take years (or decades) to fully appreciate. Shakes the Clown? I rest my case.

Beyoncé Isn’t Making a Saartjie Baartman Movie

I’d like delay deez nuts on their foreheads.

I just checked and the domain jemblebros.com is still available.

If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, I say. I can help you write an iPhone app that would let you apply blackface to a selfie, and charge 99 cents for every pic. You could do some good with that money.

Jonathan Cain wants a word, douchebag.

Why not airbags? Seriously, my ‘07 Volvo has them on all sides of each passenger. Why not turn the helmet into a giant beach ball during the split second of impact?

Room to move? What are you on about? Have you ever seen the cockpit of any fighter plane built in the last 100 years?

The answer is more guns. The answer is always more guns.

Awkward!

OTOH, a pants-embedded defeat device could totally disrupt the traditional anti-gas meds industry. Taco Bell R&D is probably looking at this already.

This is some brilliantly subtle trolling. (Sorry, was I not supposed to say that out loud?)

*Jessica* Simpson?