The family dog, OTOH, needs to Chill The Fuck out.

Huckabee can’t possibly believe that hitching his wagon to holdout bigots is a presidential move. So I guess this is “brand building”?

This is an act of religious based terrorism. These people should be treated no differently than al Qaeda. To Guantanamo with their sorry asses.

We’re piloting a new Affirmative Consent initiative starting with the University’s Greek organizations.

Serious question for the ladies in the house. If she never, ever wants to and I’ve tried for years to meet and exceed every expectation, and she says that it’s not me it’s her, and I’ve done everything I can literally imagine to woo and it’s not working, but yet also the idea of going outside our relationship is more…

I’m a dumb-ass white guy in Texas who’s fallen backwards into a good life. Thank you so much for your perspective. Thank you, thank you, thank you. May you and everyone you love find the peace and contentment we all seek.

“Bean Flickin’ Blues” would be a great Melissa Ethridge song. Oh No I Dih-int!

In feudal Japan, falling on a hibachi was the least honorable way to die.

I would love to have a vagina flicking contest with Demi Lovato. I’m a dude, but I would totally wear a stap-on vagina in order to compete.

Point of inquiry: is the second douche portmanteau adding ‘canoe’ or ‘volcano’?

In this story, instead of Per Se I’m the kid scrounging change from under the car floormats for Taco Bell. Literally and figuratively.

That is literally Shakespeare.

So, you wrote this whole article and everything *just* to tell me you don't want to fuck?

The answer is simple: men are dogs, women are turtles.

If Trump wins, there will never be another Republican president. Either because the GOP will forever be unable to get the stank off, or because we will all live in some post-Apocalyptic Planet-of-the-Apes type scenario.

This is completely tangential to your story but one time I called Whole Earth looking for a particular brand of hiking boots. The guy on the line told me they stopped selling anything by that brand because of their soles. Dumbass me decided to troll him and feign ignorance: their SOULS? You mean, they all went to…

But seriously is there any restaurant whiter than Cracker Barrel? With the shitty renditions of Grandma’s Home Cookin’ and Fixins’, and the little golf-tee triangle puzzles that are on every table and have probably never been washed, and the crappy gift shop full of ancient novelty items that you are forced through on…

The Male Weenus.

I think the real sin here is the beige Buick. I imagine it having a vague but cloying air-freshener smell, and all kinds of real shitty (beyond McDonalds shitty, like Wienerschnitzel shitty) food bags wadded up and stuffed under the seat.