Bombs and bonesaws, instead of bullets.

This sounds like an Aussie heist to me. Just, everything you just described, sounds like a straight-faced Aussie heist.

Touchless faucet, touchless soap dispenser, touchless paper towel vomiter, a garbage bin right next to the door, and hand sanitizer.

...that thing with Watson is starting to make more sense now.

How many of these do you need to buy before it’s cheaper to pay for an IUD?

...why wouldn’t you? It’s just a needle piercing your skin.

...that’s some real optimism there, thinking that there’s even going to be icebergs left to collide with in the fairly near future.

2 Texas Judges Sent 20 Percent of All Juveniles to State Prisons Last Year

I’d do it if that was the grandpa’s wish. “Kid, when I die, I want you to take my ashes and feed them to your class. Don’t ask why, it’s an old-guy thing. And to help you in this, I bequeath my cookie recipe...”

I now have to grit my teeth to the nerve and solemnly nod my head in agreement with a motherfucking Donald Trump tweet.

Dude: the argument you are making is a smarter version of one Trump would make, and I say this because it’s starting to scare me that The Root is in any way agreeing with him.

All I see is an Internal Server Error.

Out of curiosity, how does this story play outside of the US?

...’first hand’? I’m not young any more, but I’m definitely not 180 years old.

...I would be okay with him, what he thinks, and his presidency being as forgotten as that of Rutherford B. Hayes.

Eh, better than mine.

أنت لا تهتم على أي حال

We’re talking about livestock, right? That their death is murder or not is practically besides the point - their existence as livestock ought to be more troubling, because any end to their life (slaughter) besides a natural one means they’re going to be used somehow anyway.

This is funny only because no one died.

...well sure, but aren’t op-eds by their very nature Fake News anyway?