Death by sentient tire.

Tom Clancy used to shop regularly in the bookstore I worked in, and he was always a haughty dick. I don’t remember any specific interactions (it was a long time ago), but he was always rude in that same Cheney-esque way.

I will agree with you on the best coworkers...but, um, I was management, all the way up til the bitter fucking end, and there is no way you would call my life “godlike”.

I adore you, Albert...but you shut your filthy whore mouth.

I almost never go to the mall drunk

I’m sorry my neighborhood seems to have hogged all the snow-removal equipment ever (I had plows past my house multiple times during the storm and three times just yesterday morning before I went to work [because I had no excuse not to]).

Thank you, Anna. I’ve been so hoping for this!

misnomeriness

Decomposing pumpkin pie inhabited by vicious albino squirrels and presidential candidate

This stuff, while hard to find, lives up to its name.

a million Google searches for the definition of the word “unctuous.”

Or just get a dog and sit back for the hours of entertainment found in watching them lose their minds over SQUIRREL!!!!! :)

This is me. The Consort consistently falls asleep on the couch and stays there for the night, and has for quite a while. But when we go on vacation and share a bed it’s nice, and I’m reminded how much I miss waking up next to him :(

I have another question for your list: will this make the use of “happy holidays” as a holiday well-wishing phrase a fireable offense?

That sounds SO AMAZINGLY PERFECT. Sign me up!

Well, you gave yourself away as NOT my husband with the grocery store offer...he HATES the grocery store!!

Did you hear my snort of laughter from there? :)

Well, it’s been 22 years. You’d think by now if we were gonna have one it’d have happened, yeah?

What if you don’t have arguments because you hate arguing so much that you swallow your resentment until you can let it go?

NO NO STOP IT SHUT UP I CANNOT HANDLE THIS MUCH STUPID THIS EARLY IN THE DAY