Dude I have been holding breath for 5 minutes what’s the next direction

+1 milkshake

We regret to inform you the water is racist

Gift baskets? Definitely Gift Baskets.

During a late afternoon press conference, Hayes said the decision was painful

this is the dumbest thing i’ve read in the last 20 minutes.

This is like the time me and some buddies were driving down to Buffalo to see a Sabres game. We all met up at my buddy Aidan’s house and we were about to get in the car and, with it clearly in sight, I called Shotgun. Clear rules, right?

I was given a ticket when I didn’t exceed the speed limit, because I was coaching at one school, and the patrol officer graduated from the other, and he let me know he was bitter about this. That happens in life.

Sir, this is a Wendy’s drive-thru.

As a result he’s now dropped to the third round on the Buccaneers draft board.

Should have drank more water.

When I once told that to my sister, she said, “You mean I don’t have to use all those moisturizers and facial products to keep my skin looking good? I should just drink as much water as you do? I think you should market your [stupid water drop things] as a beauty product.”

Yeah, but have you ever seen a fish with a sunburn? Check and mate, Lindsey.

You ever been to a Turkish prison?

He looks like a Dothraki power bottom.

I don’t know. I’m trying to get the right angle to understand all of this.

I would cosine his rant, but that probably isn’t a good idea considering his feeling on the Pythagorian Theorem.

People complain about the infinite scrolling, but then gems like these prove people so, so wrong.

“My name spelled backwards is okenrub, because okenrub mah penis after I write these things”

I’d like to extend my sympathy to the White Sox on their embarrassment: