I kept scrolling and it wouldn’t stop. Thought maybe I was dead and in purgatory.

I laughed my ass off about Duke and Ocean after my first day of orientation. My husband did not believe me when I described that shit.

Duke Ocean sounds like Ron Swanson’s smooth jazz alter ego.

Actually, yes. Miss Utah 2007, Jill Stevens, was an Army Medic who spent 18 months in Afghanistan. Miss America 2005, Deirdre Downs, is an OB-GYN. Miss America 1998, Kate Shindle, apparently caused a bit of a scandal by advocating for HIV prevention through condom distribution and needle exchange programs. The current…

Does he just keep cooking it until it gets tender?

If your boyfriend left home a month ago and hasn’t been home since he dumped you a month ago.

I feel like cookie dough is objectively more delicious than cookies. I don’t even feel like this statement is an opinion. Like, cookies are weird and dumb and frequently gross, crumbly pieces of shit (and even at best, they’re just tolerable), while cookie dough is an extension of the joy of the universe.

I have long had the theory that the Japanese people are possibly aliens in disguise. Like they are trying to blend in with us lower life forms but their social shit is always jyst a bit off. This merely confirms my theory.

I have this vision of us younger generations when we become old people: pointlessly berating android servers for giving us the wrong coffee flavored beverage whose name fills half a page, pounding on the 3D Surgi-Vend Pro machine that ate their $20 but incorrectly implanted their new minicomputer chip, and in the…

This is not my story. I was merely an observer on this crazy wedding hook-up ride.

This mockery of New Yorkers’ super-heated parochialism is fair enough (I say that with sincerity; I lived in New York for a number of years, during which I was at my least tolerable), but let’s not lose sight of the essential genius of the question why does this corned beef not taste like the corned beef I had in New…

He deserves to be punched in the face with a Kia.

Or just leave a flaming bag of dog poop on their doorstep.

My cat, who once opened a microwave oven while the popcorn was popping, has more self-control than the caramel lady.

My cat, who once destroyed a floor-to-ceiling lamp with her butt, has more self-control than the caramel lady.

My cat, who once fell off a bookshelf at 3 AM only to land butt-first on my face (catass…

Fuck the Confederate flag. Out on a bike ride in WASHINGTON and I saw one flying on the side of a house.

OUR HISTORY IS SO IMPORTANT HOW DARE YOU INFRINGE ON OUR RIGHT TO HONOR AND RESPECT IT.......wait, all you black people are still hung up on slavery?! That was soooooo long ago OMG get over it. (said with all of the sarcasm)

Worked for The Emporer’s New Groove.

a man feeling like she was meant to be a woman BIOLOGICALLY is not the same as a white woman feeling like she can identify with African american history and their struggle. Identify with it so much that she wants to turn into a black person to co-opt the racial struggle that they face.

My wife’s best friend ordered a cake from a little old lady who ran a cake business out of her house. We used her for our wedding. Best cake ever, she would makethe cake the morning of the wedding. So, we are at the reception waiting on cake. No cake. We call the cashed lady. No answer. Finally we send a family…