Although DC is known for its lying liars, I think you meant ‘likeable’. Otherwise great write-up (could have sprinkled in some Dan Snyder hate though).

Jimenez looke dlike the BP pitcher out there, just lobbing meatballs down the middle of the plate.

...that’s what I was going for...

Jiminez looked like the batting practice pitcher out there. WTF, Buck!?!? Fuck Toronto and their garbage fans and their terrible player’s haircuts.

There’s no such thing as a hot water heater, it’s a water heater. Why would you need to heat hot water?

“psssst...(whispers) you’re not straight”

If he’s so smart, why’d it only take him about 20 seconds to make a common grammatical error? Saying  “...the NFL really could care less”. What he should have said was couldn’t.

a dad

but you missed out on an obvious simpsons reference.

no way, you grey dong lover! 8 minute mile is not jogging, that’s fast and definitely running. Take your humblebrag attempts elsewhere.

CLAP ON
CLAP OFF
CLAP ON-CLAP-OFF! THE CLAPPER!!!!

Maryland too.

a lot of people didn’t watch the US Open this year.

It’s the fucking Catalina wine mixer!

why the fuck would your parents nickname you pdiddywha?

She’s so rich she can afford chairs for her pumpkins!

Didnt Lee Greenwood write/sing “proud to be an American”?

Good job ESPN stats/graphics team, I’m pretty sure Cam wasn’t sacked 17 times; tackled 17 times maybe.