My first name is Jennifer and I grew up in the 70’s. Wouldn’t matter if my name was on shirts or not, any potential kidnapper had like a 75% chance of being correct if they said “Jennifer” to any girl child.

I think the donation is a great idea! Just make sure you teach your kid to say “Thank you” regardless of what people give. We went to one party where instead of gifts, they asked for cash donations to some organization the birthday boy chose. We gave $10 and when we put it in his box, he said, very loudly, “Ten…

It’s true. And really ugly clothes.

Also the gall of it: we’re gonna return your crappy gift, so you might as well include a receipt or it’s like throwing your money away! (Forgetting the important elephant in the room: nobody HAS to get your entitled ass anything at all, in which case, they save ALL the money.)

So basic. Don’t they know that all the cool parents are eschewing material possessions and including “And please, no gifts. Your presence is enough of a gift” on all birthday invitations?

The #2 thing that leads to kidnapping is getting an email like this.

You mean you didn’t constantly have creepy dudes in windowless vans chasing you yelling “HEY DALILA! GET IN THE VAN! GET IN THE VAN, DALILA!” ?? That’s odd...

I give my side of the family a link to an Amazon wishlist of a dozen or so things every time my kid’s birthday or Chanukah rolls around. They live far away and like to send lots of presents and are the rare thoughtful family members that make a point of getting things the kid actually wants/are age appropriate, and…

Brandyn, Maddyson, AbbyGail, AnnaBella, Issybella. Something with a silent q.

I mean, I’d buy those fuckers some baby formula, keep my attendance to a 30 minute max, and back the fuck away from that friendship if I didn’t care enough about them or the kid to put up with that nonsense moving forward. This is for a 1 year old. Imagine how things will look come, say, 5.

If my sibling sent me this, I’d send the kid a picture book and a hat with his name on it out of spite.

What’s bad is when they tag you in such a post because you’re also a new mother (but don’t share the same attitude) and now you’re seen as an asshole-by-association.

I know, right? Like they’ve suddenly been gifted with all the answers of the universe, and we’ve been lobotomised? Sit down, bitches, you’re not fooling anyone; you’ve got snot that doesn’t belong to you in your hair, too.

The "becoming a Mommy" trope grosses me out too, because it's so nakedly about the woman's transformation into a different (better? debatable. more fully realized? same.) version of herself. Like, fuck the kid, right? Because I'm a pedantic asshole, whenever people say "when you become a mother" I reply with "when…

Gross. I had two C-sections. You know what? NONE OF THAT FUCKING MATTERS NOW. The kids are 8 and 3. They don’t run around introducing themselves as “c-section kids” so that eveyone can compare and contrast how well-adjusted or not they are based on how they entered this world. People are resilient. How they were born…

The worst is when someone posts one of those and tags you in the comment - this happens to me a ton, and it drives me nuts. Please do not assume that because I also made people out of food and hormones that we have the same feelings about it. Just don't. I am willing to buy that motherhood is a complete and utter game…

IMO, the best pregnant woman reply to any man’s ‘discomfort’: I made fucking eyeballs today—STFU!

Oh my gosh, I hate the self-referential “mommy.” It’s one step away from saying “hubby” without irony.

Totally agreed, but to me, nothing is worse than ‘mama’. Once I see someone or read an article by someone who refers to herself as a ‘mama’, I start sniffing and know the batshit isn’t too far away.