So, this was before texting but there was WiFi at the restaurant for him to check emails? Ok, so maybe he’d already downloaded his emails because he used a POP3 account, but like, why’d he even bring a laptop on a date? Laptops from the pre-texting days were big.

Where are the 2018 scary stories tho?

Well, that sounds pretty awkward, but in all honestly, all first dates riddled with awkwardness. If you’re interested in building a relationship with another person, I hope you can muster the courage to go out on another date. 

...when I was 22-25, and then I learned how big an ass I was, and taught myself to stop.

He doesn’t just rap. Remember this song? Yeah, Kanye made it.

They total the car, pay you a sum of money, and assign a value to the car’s “wrecked” hulk. Some insurance companies will allow you to buy the hulk back at the value they’ve set, and then you can do with it whatever you want.

Protip: Doric columns are the easiest style to render!

Your commentary reminds me of the origin story for Homestar Runner’s name. From Wikipedia:

You know, I think you might actually create the the best video content across the entire what-used-to-be-Gawker network. Sorry I didn’t respond to your request for ideas over Twitter. Do you think they’ll call the next sequel Fiveza? I hope they do. 

Baseball is a pastime. It’s slow, and when you’ve got nothing better on hand to make it more exciting, you fill the gaps with math because nothing gets the crowd going like math does. 

I’m glad you responded earnestly. 

I don’t remember Weird Science well enough, but that rape scene in Nerds was disturbing. 

Careful son, that’s bootlicker talk.

Of course it is, because it can also make sandwiches with it.

...looking over my glasses

All big pizza is red as hell.

Amazon would crush this, and they could even use Papa John’s delivery network to provide deliveries for all kinds of other small goods too. They should do it, rename it Papa Jeff’s and take over the world.

You don’t fold a slice of pizza in half and call it a sandwich, do you?

Nah- they’re commonplace in the US nowadays. 

A hotdog is a meat on a roll- it is not a sandwich because a sandwich needs a bread top and a bread bottom.