Whitney carrying him out, Whitney explaining how a stalker broke into his house and jilled off in his bed.

There are moments when you feel like life is going by too quickly. Seeing Paul Blart, I imagine, will cure you of that feeling — every second is an hour, every minute is an eternity. In that time, cities will crumble, generations will have lived and died.

“You really look like a woman now” strikes me as the rare sort of sentence that could never not be creepy.

I know. I look at young women now, and ALL of them are GORGEOUS. So damned beautiful. And probably hardly any of them know it. I sure didn’t have an inkling when I was that young.

My ex and are I are wayyyyy better as friends than we were as a couple

So I was pretty sure “Armie Hammer” couldn’t possibly be his real name. Turns out Armie is short for Armand. ARMAND HAMMER. I know I can’t be the first person to notice this but...really?

I think you missed the point of that design choice. The inability to choose some of the things presented to you is meant to simulate how when you have depression, you often KNOW what you can do to make it better, but depression makes it impossible to actually take those choices. As someone who lives and copes with…

I assume they will also quiz prospective straight customers to ensure that no fornication has taken place.

My top reason for not wanting to be famous: the whole world would know if my kid turned out to be a douchebag.

Hey, congrats on the engagement!

True story: a friend of mine was just hospitalized with kidney stones. Culprit: overdosing on leafy greens. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

Some say it's boring. I say they aren't doing it right.

This right here should be why Netflix loses

I'm disappointed by Netflix all the time because they constantly take movies and shows off their rotation with no prior warning! You know how sometimes you have a person you sleep with sporadically, and you might go a long time without calling each other, but he's always around when you need him? Until one day when…

YOU ALL REALIZE THAT IF NETFLIX WINS THEN THEIR MARKETING DEPARTMENT WILL SOMEHOW USE THIS TO NEFARIOUS ENDS????

I voted for sex, for the off chance I ever have it again.

Now, now... Pinocchio's dad was a carpenter. Maybe Beiber wants to be a real boy someday...

I'm a parent. I did not have kids because I thought it was the right thing to do for the world. I had kids because I wanted them. It's probably the most selfish thing I ever did. Now that they are here I do unselfish things for them. But the having of them was definitely all for me.