So... black folks, brown folks, tan folks, Jewish folks, folks with tits, LBGT folks, windmills and land he could never buy.

Sounds like the beginning of a James Taylor song.

When asked about what advice he'd give to Ms. Holder, Mr. Maister stated that she should "Take... these broken wings... and learn to fly again. Learn to live so free."

Back in high school, Samer probably was probably a huge Smackhead.

As an actual lumberjack (no, really – I’ve been falling trees for commercial and residential firewood and related firewood products since 1995), I agree with most of your list. As a man who has worn over 20 applications of flannel shirts since the year 2010, I do have some corrections:

Quinn then went on to mention how many of these could have been avoided if they only drank EAS, pulled out a small plastic bottle out of his gym shorts, slammed it, threw the bottle over his shoulder, saying “now I’m done” and abruptly walked away from the Starbucks barista who was really confused about what just…

It's insane, this guy's taint.

“It's a Trip in Pan's Labyrinth, Charlie JESUS FUCK!"

Part of me wants new, molded-by-Kim Kanye to go down to the Billboard offices to have a frank discussion with their social media manager about the dangers of posting content involving kids mixed with sexual undertones, providing the type of real talk and knowledge we’ve come to expect as of late from Yeezus.

From now on, whenever anyone asks me what my spirit animal is, my response will be Tokyo Sexwale.

One time I was at a party that I thought was really lame, so I didn’t tell anyone and left.

Well, the surface has definately been weathered over time, and there is a thin layer of imperfections, but I wouldn't call it "patina..."

And just like Christ, he has risen!

I don’t know why, but when I kept reading “hot take” in the Gregg Memorial about that other guy, I kept replacing the words in The Misfits’ song “Rat Fink” with “Hot Take.”

Bro,

Super Bowl Sunday, 2009. A Stiggs was home by himself in the morning, stewing over the idea that he would be going to a Super Bowl party that evening held by his one friends who, because he was trying to eat healthy, wanted all of his friends to eat his healthy-ass snacks for the Super Bowl. No wings, no chips,…

So that's what happened to Dane Cook...

Doing his best G.I. Joe action figure impersination.

It was 1993 in Northern Michigan. Seven year old Stiggs and his five year old brother, Lil’ Stiggs, were playing hockey outdoors. It was especially cold that night, and I vaguely remember that it was right before the temperature threshold before the league would cancel games (I think close to 0 degrees, not counting…