I lived with a kid who honestly believed every word that came out of Alex Jones’ mouth. He smoked at least a quarter of weed a day and kept looking up chemtrails, how the Illuminati killed Michael Jackson, and refused to register the loaded handgun he kept in his pants pocket because he doesn’t want to be in “the…

Ogie Ogelthorpe would be the coolest reliever.

I had no idea I was being possessed twice a day - I just thought that was the lack of bloodflow to my brain due to the belt tied around my doorknob.

Hopefully she was a solid Reicher, wouldn't want any Braun stains on those things.

Too bad Peterson Petered-out on his push for Dallas.

Assuming they’re going to have a bunch of kids ala Duggars/The Jacksons/etc. for showbiz purposes:

I'm mad at Ricky Velez because he seems like kind of a boob.

Please make this synopsis through soundtracks a regular thing.

A really awkward stand-up at the end of the movie. Best. Date. Ever.

Optimal time to bring my friends over for some quality whorshiping.

Jingoism: Patriotism in the form of aggressive foreign policy
Jindalism: Bigotry in the form of aggressive domestic policy

Paddling a douche canoe up Shit Creek without a paddle, because he had to give it to a strip club due to outstanding debts.

SKRIIIIIIIIIIIM.

That's my spirit animal.

That didn't happen at MSU did it?

Once was asked to ejaculate in my lady friend's hair. She never explained that one.

I'm going to walk out of the theater either with a massive erection or messy pants.

Ugh. You're right, Missouri is gross.

Feel like a dude who's all up in arms about letting his fellas breathe wouldn't be so incensed by being poked by a woman who has two massive love pillows taking up chest space. Should be more of a "I feel ya, brah" moment than anything else.

"Doesn't matter what style but no core b.s., no symphonic metal."