I'm going to walk out of the theater either with a massive erection or messy pants.

Ugh. You're right, Missouri is gross.

Feel like a dude who's all up in arms about letting his fellas breathe wouldn't be so incensed by being poked by a woman who has two massive love pillows taking up chest space. Should be more of a "I feel ya, brah" moment than anything else.

"Doesn't matter what style but no core b.s., no symphonic metal."

About as much of a crime as smuggling raisins.

So uh... real talk... girl I'll buy you things.

C.C. Allin.

"multi-kilo quantities of cocaine and several hundred pounds of marijuana."

Forward down the fiellllllllllllllld!

I was in Minneapolis in November for my brother's wedding, and it was a really cold and snowy night. I had made a promise to myself to be in a state of permadrunk for that day and the wedding, and during the night of his rehearsal dinner, I had managed to set myself up for a solid couple of days. I first started by…

Be sure to check for razor blades in your Halloween candy too, kiddo.

Someone should call Riff Raff so they could get married and start a reality show where they open a fried chicken-themed strip club.

That Deafheaven article was pretty spot on.

"Hey Kevin, what the hell man? You've pissed like three times in the past hour."

What a Sapp!

You never want a meltdown involving ice cream. Everything turns into a sticky situation.

"Rwarrr hey Jhonny, I don't know what was in your practice bag but I ate it and now I want to run the bases a couple hundred times!"

Are you taking submissions for candidates to attend a Rubio rally just to drop molly?

In college my roommate had a lab/bloodhound mix named Copper, who was the BEST BIG SWEETIE EVER. He would follow you around the house, would jump on the couch and rest his head in your lap and just fall asleep. That dog slept about 20 hours a day, most of it with his head in someone's lap. He never barked, only made a…

Well that was a short lockout.