What's the over/under that the "minor surgery" is an abortion?

The Mini Mall Guy

"And remember to vote Sarah Palin for Best Boom Operator in 2014!"

It is great, especially when laying on a Hitachi.

You're right about it sounding like any number of songs. I hear a mix of Rihanna's "Diamonds" and Ellie Goulding's "Burn."

And god help you if you "step on the crack."

Nobody puts Baby on the floor.

Stoli Roller,

their response was essentially to make a more polite version of a jerk-off motion

Does this collection read very Michael Kors to anyone else?

Results of a sperm motility test;

Your friends don't know how averages work.

Olé, y'all!

That sounds like the making of another "art" exhibit—a camera that livestreams people entering and exiting the gallery so that we can judge them in real time. The transformation is that people invading celebrities privacy become the people whose privacy is invaded or some other artsy bullshit justification.

Oh, but ain't that America

So if I drink 600 ml up to five times a week, I'll live three times as long, right? I'm fairly certain that's how science works.

Pap: Hey Kelly, I saw you in that thing about a storm of scary predators on TV last night!

You might also have to replace the Kimchi Jung-il.

Reading this story gave me a major case of ramenfreude.