Huh. I thought for sure that Ballmer would be packing some huge future gun from Microsoft’s Halo R&D team, but whatever.

An ‘87 Lincoln Town Car with shoddy brakes. Hey, we’ve gotta do something about this population boom somehow.

Also comes in virginity-loss wagon configuration.

Thank you, Mr. New York City. You obviously know what’s best for us, even though you probably don’t live here. Cultural identity is not “Nostalgia.” Keeping the City worth living in is not for “suckers.” Every city needs balance.

It will be filled. But it will be filled by other businesses - in this case, the dealerships. More and more New Yorkers have the kind of money where they don’t care if they are paying more and have to wait longer, they want it done by the place they got the car from. A lot of independent business owners will be frozen…

They call it “patina.” God damn them.

Places like the Urban Justice Center are staffed by some good lawyers, but they also have a lot of law student interns who are very smart and good with law, but don’t have experience filling out complicated bureaucratic paperwork. Their hearts are in the right place, but they need more people with experience.

Easy for you to say. The real estate prices are prohibitive in New York City, and almost as bad in Long Island and Northern Jersey, and as a result, there is no way to fulfill market demand while also making a profit, or even breaking even. Have you been to Brooklyn lately? DUMBO is one neighborhood where the rents…

That sounds amazing! I think I’ll join you!

I can’t wait for Goodell to impose a special Miami curfew on all the teams: no interacting with guns or women in Miami after 10 PM.

And yet the Whole Foods in Union Square is still mobbed today. I guess rich hipsters don't care.

Booooooooooo! No English muffin buns!

It’s okay to steal the codes - most of those Red Bull cans were bought by club-hoppers to mix with vodka, so they probably won’t miss the Destiny content anyway.

Huh. Kinda looks like the Big Dick Prison Breaker:

Yeah, that shit is labor-intensive.

Yeah, he was freaking hilarious in The Dilemma. Actually, he was pretty much the only funny thing about that movie.

Heh heh... Everyone always drops the giant pop-it before they mean to. It’s a natural law.

Yeah, but in all the cases I was talking about, I happen to know that the dudes were on acid and not drinking. I know... Because I was the one who gave it to them. Oh god, they had bad trips and it was all my fault! Now I’M having a bad trip! Oh no!

I don't know... I've been at a lot of dead shows and phish shows where dudes were air-drumming with manic abandon, not noticing that they were bumping the folks around them. Also, a guy I knew jumped from the upper deck at Giants Stadium and fractured his spine because he was tripping and thought it wasn't that far.

Can I keep my garden gnomes, or are those discriminatory too?