Try reading those first two paragraphs again.

When will someone be brave enough to tell a story far in the future of Middle Earth, after the Elves have all gone to the West and the Dwarves have all secluded themselves underground, and humans create advancements in agriculture, and then metal working, and vaccines, and building cities and cars, and airplanes, and…

In the morning, biscuits will be available.

Popular baby names for 2018: Bortles, Bort, Bortlesby, Bortella, Borbert, and Dave. 

Also, corn will be served.

Let’s say Irsay invests in a better line, though. It’s just gonna get snorted up right quick.

A gift bag, thoughtfully placed on the stretcher next to their unconscious form, is also considered tasteful and gentlemanly.

To Jim Irsay’s credit, Brissett’s injury actually IS all in his head.

First you dim the lights to set the mood. Next you look them right in the eyes. Then WHAMMMMOOOO right up side your head.

If he didn’t want to run the risk of getting hit by an errant Osweiler pass, then he shouldn’t have been standing in the State of Colorado

Obligatory:

Not since Aaron Hernandez has an NFL player so easily busted a cap.

Brock, and to the left.

Denver Bonko.

*Grabs popcorn to watch owners implode*

you can be whatever you choo choo choose to be.

The story’s author takes us into the living room of Johnstown resident Pam Schilling, a 60-year-old retiree who is already keyed up to vote for Trump in 2020:

Being baffled by nonsense is not the same as vilifying.

Those gifs line up nicely to the refrain of “Brock Lobster”:

A little off topic, but when I saw the name “A.J. Green” connected to a story about fighting, I was imagining him to be the lovechild of AJ Pierzynski and Draymond Green, and was secretly hoping that he’d kicked a dude in the balls and then was immediately punched in the face.