That’s because it’s so common they’d never get anything done if they checked on all the kids who got laid out. There’d be no time for growth. No time for teaching. No time for going with your gut. No time for liking the cut of someone’s jib. No time to double-down. No time to fourth meal. No time to just do it. No…

Philip Rivers has more children than the number of Chargers fans who emailed in for this.

“Some people are fans of the Los Angeles Chargers.”

65% of Charger fans have at one point lived in Philip Rivers’ ballsack.

It could be a coincidence, but I think it’s all kayfabe.

The true Wentz is more nuanced and complicated, with sources describing him as “selfish,” “uncompromising,” “egotistical,” one who plays “favorites” and doesn’t like to be “questioned,” one who needs to “practice what he preaches” and fails “to take accountability.”

Your hat is goofy. You’ll never make it to the NFL with a goofy hat. Think classy, you’ll be classy. Win 6 Super Bowls, you can wear the goofy hat and the press’ll think you’re colorful. Until you win 6 Super Bowls, however, it means you’re a slob.

“PARTY LIKE A ROCK STAR. HAMMER LIKE A PORN STAR. RAKE LIKE AN ALL-STAR,”

Wow, he’s really lucky, because, while they take drug offenses super-seriously in New Hampshire, they recently repealed the death penalty. Not only that, but hanging was still on the books in NH as one of the possible means of execution, until earlier this year! So, he won’t have to worry about mobs of people…

Gollum was less obsessed with his Precious.

“To begin, draw an S. For snake. Or ... Seattle.”

They’re really gonna burninate up the competition this year.

Cannot wait to watch the Seattle Trogdors in action

As a Lions fan I am forced to similarly point out that the Texans have won one playoff game in seventeen years. The Lions last playoff win came ten years before the Texans were born.

As a Lion’s fan I envy the Texans identity as a perennial first round playoff knockout team.

Nice job of the Raiders to stay in the news. After all, they haven’t had a decent team since 1983.

Ray Lewis is a murderer.  Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

“They forget you've gotta win," said the Cleveland Browns quarterback.

I dunno, man, seems like he really enjoys waiting to catch passes.

It’s always tough to understand the context when Jim Irsay asks his players if they’re holding.