I’m exactly 0% shocked.

So Sessions is claiming that he was wearing different hats, and that so long as he wasn’t wearing an red trucker hat with a stupid slogan on it nothing counted as illegal. Luckily he’s not in charge of figuring out what’s legal and whats not. Oh wait, that exactly his job. Great.

THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!

This is all sorts of wrong. Heineken sucks.

PABLO SANDOVAL: [salivates]

Chicago White Sox slugger José Abreu testified today that he ordered a Heineken, then slowly ate his fake Haitian passport on board his flight to illegally enter the United States back in 2013.

I haven’t seen a team screw up a situation involving a player named Cousins since about 2 weeks ago.

That’s one of my favorite documentaries.

Thank god they were able to get Eric Bana to assassinate all those perpetrators.

I bet you think that’s acute comment you made there, huh?

Wobbly. Fat. Tits out in public. Pretty sure I dated her.

Today’s Headline:

Are we all just gonna ignore that the kid was attacked by a fucking Minotaur?!?!

That’s cute and all but he traveled.

Trump is driving many of us back to the bottle.

expect michelle’s to debut first, as barack is too busy leaking fbi memos and organizing town hall disruptions to sit down at the typewriter.

Wilson also told Fox 5 San Diego that there is no grass to be damaged, because it was all ripped up for a monster truck rally.

The Padres say it’s not that bad, but it feels bad.

I have no faith this country so I’m betting on a walk.