Oh man I had a wild diet coke and turkey binge the other night! I’m like several grams heavier now.

Looks pretty accurate to me!

Anyone who is complaining that a poorly shaped Pizza Hut pizza “ruined” their Valentine’s Day has an extremely different values system than I do.

I seriously doubt he is a millionaire anymore if he can’t cut a check to stay out of jail

...they divorced in 2014, shortly after his NFL career ended.

You don’t have to pleat his case for him. He’s a big boy.

He’s well within the rules to do that. Cut the man some slacks.

It’s only a matter of time before Putin and 45 are sharing a bleu cheese wedge salad at his Mar-A-Lago patio taking selfies with their nuclear code guys. 

I love the depth of his anger when his “ownership” of the quote just means it was said in front of him.

Six weeks without Love? Big deal. Try 34 years.

I think horrible people are just naturally drawn to each other.

Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian think this was a short NSA term.

Have you seen a typical 50-something suburban white dude’s Facebook feed?

one can hope this is the start of something

If Gen. Petraeus is selected as the new national security adviser, he will have to notify his probation officer within 72 hours.

Joe Paterno’s son is already denying he knew anything about this.

Thirst.

“This sums up the whole of my administration”

Well, guess we’ll end up at war with Canada now.