For the amount that dude spent on a 32-gig card, he could have snagged an MP3 player with ten times that memory and a much more user-friendly transfer software kit.

"The new playable Assassin also is the first silent character in the series, speaking only in gasps, grunts, and winded combat yells."

SimCity already broke my heart; my crappy laptop would have a heart attack if I dared try to install it.

Upon seeing a blade with a gaping hole that is filled by a tiny anime figurine, the term "functional" shouldn't even be in the cards.

Back in the early 80's my family had a Zenith DOS-based monstrosity with a whopping 5MB hard drive. Of the few games we had with it, this crude 3D first-person PacMan clone was one of them.

Alternate title: "How to cause a stadium full of gamer geeks to instantly fall in love with you."

Yep, it's the complete Ouya launch experience: no exclusive titles amidst a library of non-HDMI-optimized games that are incompatible with its controller.

The game is what now?

And another flagship series for mobile gaming ends up getting cursed by the "Free-to-Play" business model.

Agreed. Particularly the menu-driven traditional JRPG variety. There really is no reason to require both hands to play them.

I always figured the Dread Pirate Roberts could have been an assassin.

Actually, I'm pretty sure at this point Square-Enix has no freakin' idea what they're doing.

More games should have it. The L button becomes context-sensitive, switching between Talk/Look/Use functions depending on what's in front of you. It really is a genius bit of design. I find myself missing it in newer games, too.

That was one thing I loved about Earthbound. It was the only RPG that was optimized for the option to play only using your left hand. It advertised it in the player's guide: L button for actions/selections, Select brings up the status and menu. When I'd injured my right arm as a kid, it was one of the only SNES games…

Nothing like a good slathering of head-grease-green to add a subtle bit of contrast. Plus, then it can be advertised as "customizable!"

Okay sir, here's the mockup for our iOS headset. For the color scheme—

Not really, in this one you're trying to blow up OTHER PEOPLE.

Jesus Christ, you're right!

Good for you! Now take a breath and understand that not everyone shares your same beliefs in this world.

Oh man. I heard folks talking about this game awhile back but never had a chance to try it out. That's too freakin' cool that it'll be getting some wider exposure!