You, my friend, are stupid, rich, or stupid and rich. Whichever it is, I envy you.

That is fucking absolutely savage. I’m actually pretty amazed that they ran this. With that kind of thing, I mean, you must have medical staff waiting in the wings in case there’s a heart attack or something. Someone could die, of disappointment or even humiliation. What are the odds? I mean, imagine going all that…

Saban: Not to offend anybody, but I just noticed this Dasani water and this Coke are standing on opposite sides of this podium. I remember when I was a kid and they used to be friends. Come on, now, you two.

Goff sometimes yells “Tupac!” to remind teammates that their playoff hopes are alive.

Fuck. You know the economy sucks when the Tooth Fairy takes a second job.

Eric Trump’s employees stopped asking him for flex accounts when his stories inspired them to join gyms and get ripped, too.

Jeffrey Dahmer: Classic lumbarsexual.

A lot of people don’t know that the term “power suit” actually originated at the moment Eric Trump was born.

Jesus goddamn motherfucking almighty Christ, this fucking goddamn fucking thing just fucking refuses to fucking die.

Thielen turns DB around and uses great feet to save QB

I WILL ALWAYS STAND

Fraughton recently grounded his son after the boy said he’d like to travel east this summer to “see what Virginia feels like.”

Roger Goodell: [murders Jerry Jones]

“The rock was actually at the top of the mountain.  

“Wisconsin is finally worth noticing.”

Many people are offended by any choking reenactment, but none more than the 2014 Seattle Seahawks.

Not since Aaron Hernandez has an NFL player so easily busted a cap.

They chose money over me.

“‘Twas all in fun. ‘Tis how I get suspendered.”

We went through every question you could imagine, and I answered even some more for them just so they knew I was good, and then went back in there.