How I feel most every morning now:

While Melania is making up her mind, it’s costing New York City more than $1 million per day to keep the Trump family safe

Brevity is...... wit

Give me the over.

It seems like you got the frontrunner and the underdog mixed up here, at least as far as the right’s interests go?

Well, he took the job to be the voice for a human garbage bag, so he’s surely accepted that this was going to be the case.

Betsy DeVos should put this bear in charge of school art programs. Then shoot it.

Kelly Anne Conway thought it was a good idea to leave the house this morning dressed like a nutcracker, why the fuck would I take any of her advice?

I don’t understand what happened to our gov.

I can tell you my hate for Trump will still be strong

I can see you

it’d be nice if anyone actually gave a shit though.

Plus hoops. Make us fly through hoops.

Reminds me of the last fight I got in. This guy at a bar was looking at me. So I said, “What the fuck you looking at asshole?” He looks at me and says, “Nothing.” I stood up. “Damn right, you better not be.” This guy had no business fucking with a guy like me, so I said, “ You have no business fucking with a guy like…

My expectations and hopes are unbelievably low. I’ll actually consider the next four years a success if there are no nuclear weapons deployed and no significant land wars. I’m assuming that the economy, the social safety net, and basic human decency are already doomed.

That was a pretty risky interview for him. Going in without your handler is dicey for a guy like Floyd.

Did you expect him to read any new ones?

They didn’t want to make too much of a splash.

“A long time ago I realized I’m the quarterback of our team, and maybe of this company.” - Chris Berman

Chris Berman: [flashes wallet]