Or a cookie. They’re my favorites.

I am a great husband, father, and employee according to myself. Thanks for the validation, UCF.

Where do you mix in the masturbating? I do that after the flush test but before setting up my VPN.

I have gas too. Must be all the turkey and eggnog.

Beat me to it. +1

Wrapping paper. They sell that shit at the dollar tree for, you guessed it, one fucking dollar. The school wrapping paper is $15 for the same amount.

After 5 or so years of coaching my kids’ sports teams, my local Y instituted a “no snacks” policy. That was such a great decision. I didn’t need to deal with sign up lists for snacks, parents complaining of allergies, or anything else associated with eating after the games. It was glorious.

The kids yelling at you remind me of one of my kids. He takes this shit so seriously and nothing that my wife or I tell him can change that in his mind or how he acts out. It’s something innate in him and it’s a work in progress to change the mentality.

I almost added “assuming your brother is actually dead.” He’ll die one day. Hopefully you’ll look back upon this anonymous exchange on deadspin and smile at the humor of his passing.

You just described every company in America. I’d guess that every business with >2 people has someone racist employed.

That’s my kind of humor. I was making jokes about my dead father and dead mother-in-law just the other day.

Not appropriate if DarkwingChuck is an alias of Harvey Weinstein (or a similar DB). Otherwise, carry on.

But sometimes it is. Take a joke.

Bought myself a $40 hydro flask. Not for water but for sweet, sweet booze that accompanies me to my kid’s soccer games. Other parents think I’m getting hydrated when in reality I’m getting buzzed.

I like Bobby Hurley’s craps game better.

Gotta say that I probably didn’t take this disease seriously until I had 2 kids of my own who suffer from it. If you don’t think it’s real and you think you can “punish” it out of your kids, I invite you over to my house to see one of my kids struggle to focus enough to put his fucking shoes on every day before school…

Looks great to me - “krab” meat mixed with cool whip. MMMMMM.

Dick and balls would have been a tad more appropriate given the state.

Unfortunately I have nothing snarky or witty to add here. I only want to add that this guy is a supreme dick.