The airline equivalent is, perhaps, “window or aisle?” To which the only proper reply is, “window or you’ll what?”

I don’t have arsenic, but i do have a lot of arse.

At the grocery store I used to work in we had the opposite of that. There was this really sweet old lady who would come in all dressed up, and buy her groceries. Then when she was done she would hand whoever was working the register a quarter as a tip, so that we could take ourselves and some friends out for a soda.

This is why you don’t go chasing waterfalls. Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to.

In October 2014 my mom asked me “Have you ever of Twitter?” and she was dead serious.

My mom grew up on a farm in Kansas in the 1920s, so she had a really different attitude about pets than the rest of us. My dad loved all cats and dogs, and so did all of us kids, and we did things that drove her crazy like let them on the furniture or on the bed. In my mom’s opinion, cats should really be mostly…

When I was 12, I was in my bed after midnight—still trying to sleep—when I heard my Mom walking in the hallway outside my room. She was walking to the bathroom right by my bedroom. A few moments after she settled in there to do her business, I remember hearing her yell “Man.....I *FEEL*.....like a *WOMAN*.” Yes, like…

My mom is the best. She gave up learning English so my sisters and I could be fully bilingual. She would call to make sure I didn’t forget to eat, woke up, didn’t fall asleep while doing a paper while I pulled an all nighter in college. I was injured VERY badly in October and my mom helped me with LITERALLY…

My mum’s in her fifties and up until about three years ago only had a high school education. One day she said fuck it, I’m sick of looking after kids all day, and she went back to school to get a certificate in caring for vulnerable people. Now she’s a carer for adults with down’s syndrome and is pretty badass.

I have so many great stories about my mom, but my most favorite was a few years ago when she agreed to get high with my two brothers and I for the first time. She had apparently been a marijuana aficionado when she was young and in her early twenties and kept informing us that there was no way our weed was as good as…

Ha that’s awesome. My mom got mom drunk and tripped off the curb once and just laughed and said, “Whoopsie!” It was the greatest role reversal of all time to my 22 year old self.

We were out after my birthday dinner and my mom is MOM DRUNK aka a bottle of red wine into the night. We’re walking to the car and she’s like “what does ismin parking mean? Eeeeeesmin.....iiiiismin....”

Could you imagine if we handled other non-violent crimes like this? I’d love to see what would happen if the police started being this aggressive about insider trading or something like that.

I’m imagining this mystical elevation line where the caribou walk through it and some werewolf-esque thing happens as they TURN INTO A MOOSE

She has a throw pillow that says rebel. Because nothing says rebellious like throw pillows on a chair that probably cost as much as my car.

i still cry like a baby watching the dobby death scene and subsequent Sad Harry burial

Oh god David Beckham can’t be 40. I remember when he was on the MUFC youth team. I’m so old. Someone hold me.

Sit down and make a list of anything and everything you’ve wanted to do or try which your ex did not or which you were too afraid to ask your ex to do. Food, museums, trips, movies, kinky sex stuff, learning Klingon, anything. And then DO THEM ALL, either flying solo or with friends. The new memories and experiences…

I was just thinking about that article! My parents had it easy cause they introduced me to books and I would just hide from them to read all day lol. Unstructured time is important!

I wonder if all these people regret having kids because they don't LET THEM ALONE for a minute.