I am deeply offended as a heterosexual man who paid $12 to currently be sitting here in Minute Maid Park.

I disagree entirely. I don’t understand why this is news. It’s 2015, how in the world can people still actually care about baseball?

Subtle.

He needs to be prudent and immediately put that money in an IRA.

Cal Ripken has his baseball academy. Derek Jeter needs to launch his boning academy. There is no reason for professional athletes to wind up in these situations.

A frog and Scorpion Jose Mourinho were on the wrong bank of the Thames. Scorpion Mourinho asked the frog to take him across the river. The frog said no, saying that Scorpion Mourinho would sting him and kill him. No, I will not, said Scorpion Mourhino. I promise. The frog relented, and Scorpion Mourinho climbed on his…

We all know that Count Sosa’s reflection doesn’t show up in the mirror....

I understand the platform that we are on. I do. It appears to be wood. With some stairs. And a podium. I understand that. What I can’t, for the life of me, figure out is why there has to be so goddamn many logos back there.

My former neighbor was being assaulted by her ex and a local (small town) police officer arrived on scene pretty quickly. He heard her screams for help and a physical altercation, ran into the house and stopped her ex from completing sexual assault (and possible murder? I’m not certain on the charge but she had clear…

How rude! Top the guys off with a full tank and they just blow it out the afterburners. Kinda like giving a homeless guy a dollar for food and watching him buy a yoyo.

I hate to be “that guy” but I think there’s been a misunderstanding. It’s actually a workout event and he’s looking for iron men.

Paint yourself silver first?

I dunno, I look at at that photo and all I see is “Not Found”.

I like to think the Giants’ baserunning scouting report on Harper just says, “Ask him about his Camaro and he’ll completely stop paying attention to the game.”

I’m not trying to make people feel stupid, but has anyone thought to look for the missing money under his clothes?

“I’m taking the snowboard. You know what to do.”

What are you orthodox or something? A whole other set of semen plates?

Tim Tebow: [throws slice of bread]

You don’t have a cache of refilling bottles of bourbon strategically located throughout your home, car, neighborhood and city? What do you think mail boxes, toilet tanks and school children carrying backpacks are for?

The irony is that all the hate Caitlyn Jenner gets over this just shows how much courage it took to go public in the first place