Snyder had to get it done before the sun came up and he was back in his coffin. 

That’s just preposterous. The Rays’ roster can’t collectively afford 80 new suits.

I suppose the bright side is that she could have been soaked in much worse in the clubhouse in Oakland.

Ain’t no Cousins apologizing for butt stuff down here.

Tripping over one’s own dick does seem likely to leave a brugge.

Choking and suffocating a person are completely different, like right Twix and left Twix.

YES! You can simultaneously be pro-net and anti-phone!!! Also anti-getting-your-family-of-six-out-of-your-seats-every-inning-and-a-half-for-snacks.

What idiot called it A Philosopher’s Definitive (And Slightly Maddening) Case Against Replay Review and not A Chrysippus Story?

The Rhythm eventually gets you.

I haven’t been this mad at Cousins since Grandpa died without a will.

“Oh, sure, when a Judge in Florida makes kids cry by giving them his bat, it’s filed to Things We Actually Like.”
-Roy Moore

Marty Feldman can’t fill a lane for shit.

“Where on a baseball field could they find something sticky?”

Alright, who said “Speak!”?

Good riddance, but if he wants to take Kraft and Roethlisberger with him, I wouldn’t object.

“My hand was stuck. Both hands actually, one on each side of his foot. That that twisting motion was just the natural motion I make when trying to get my hand out of something it’s stuck in, like the outside of a foot.”

Ah, the fake kneel. That’s the move elderly or overweight Catholics do at church where they just scoot their ass a little closer to the edge of the pew so they don’t have to struggle to get back up.

It's like he's accusing me of giving him mono.

WebMD isn't some secret that only you know about, ya salty asscrack.