I feel like the only thing you got right was counting to three successfully.

Other things you can do in college but not the pros:

+1 Captain Kangaroo

Or maybe the wealthy professional football team he plays for could figure out a way to get its hands on one for him.

Call your mom.

Meh. Someday your grandkids will talk about you in such reverent tones, too. 

Are there scouts for competitive eating? If so, do they go to the Golden Corral off Westwood Avenue?

For those who are curious, I counted and he says “You know what I’m saying” 59 times in the video.

You’d think someone with a giant ass and infinite wealth would be better at picking out baked goods

Get Travis Henry or Antonio Cromartie to help him out with his Tinder profile?

Home runs? No. But it should increase the number of walks he takes.

About time someone stood up for the umpires.

The middle finger AND the palm? His body is telling him to go fuck himself.

“In the building” is also a pretty solid summary of my average day at work.

Man, these Mexicans are showing up everywhere.  Now they’re taking jobs away from hardworking black gangbang workers.

Not bad for a dude approaching his 125th birthday!

He’s right about people in general, not just golfers. They don’t think ahead while in line. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in a TSA security line and half the people walk up to the podium and only then start pulling out their ID and boarding pass. Or they don’t get out the credit card at the store until all…

Man It’s a Hot One . . .

—though most kids at that age are notably terrible athletes—

I don’t want to make a thing of this but I think, down here in the comments section, there’s a difference between “I’m willing to make a joke about this” and “I don’t think this is a serious thing”. There are lots of things that are serious and terrifying in the world that people joke about to help cope with the stark…